Coreopsis verticillata: Moonbeam Coreopsis
by Sally Williams
Trituration Proving
Toronto Canada
October 25, 2012.
Three female provers; ages 42-53.
Master Prover: Jan Scholten
Natural History:
This is one of three proving that were conducted simultaneously in Toronto, Canada. The plant was procured from a private home garden in Buffalo NY.
Kingdom: Plantae
Sub-kingdom: Tracheobionta
Super-division: Spermatophyta
Division: Magnoliophyta
Class: Magnoliopsida
Subclass: Asterids
Order: Asterales
Family: Asteraceae
Genus: Coreopsis
Species: Coreopsis verticillata
Common Name: Moonbeam coreopsis, Thread-leaf tickseed, Tickseed.
Type: Herbaceous perennial
Family: Asteraceae
Zone: 3 to 9
Height: 1.5 to 2 feet
Spread: 1.5 to 2 feet
Bloom Time: June to August
Bloom Color: Yellow
Bloom Description: Creamy yellow
Sun: Full sun
Water: Dry to medium
Maintenance: Low
Flowers: Showy Flowers
Wildlife: Attracts Butterflies
Tolerates: Dry Soil, Shallow, Rocky Soil, Drought, Deer
Uses: Will Naturalize
Easily grown in dry to medium moisture, well-drained soil in full sun. Thrives in poor, sandy or rocky soils with good drainage. Tolerant of heat, humidity and drought. Prompt deadheading of spent flower stalks can be tedious for a large planting, but does tend to encourage additional bloom. Plants may be sheared in mid to late summer to promote a fall re-bloom and to remove any sprawling or unkempt foliage. Although species' plants freely self-seed, 'Moonbeam' is a sterile cultivar. Plants can spread somewhat aggressively in the garden by rhizomes.
Threadleaf coreopsis (also commonly called whorled coreopsis) is a rhizomes perennial which typically grows in dense, bushy clumps to 1-3' tall. 'Moonbeam' is somewhat more compact (to 2' tall) and features pale yellow, daisy-like flowers (1-2" diameter) with un-toothed rays and darker yellow center disks. Flowers appear singly in loose clusters (cymes) in a lengthy late spring to late summer bloom period which sometimes extends to first frost. Shearing plants in mid-summer (early August) when bloom usually tapers down will encourage a fall re-bloom. Palmately 3-parted leaves with thread-like segments end a fine-textured and airy appearance to the plant. Plants in the genus Coreopsis are sometimes commonly called tickseed in reference to the resemblance of the seeds to ticks. 1992 Perennial Plant of the Year award.
References:
http://www.missouribotanicalgarden.org/gardens
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coreopsis_verticillata
http://plants.usda.gov/java/profile?symbol=cove5
Photo: Malcolm Farley; Wikimedia
Commentary:
This proving manifested in such a beautiful way I decided to present it exactly how it unfolded. At the beginning of the trituration the provers experienced a sense of joy and giddiness; a childlike quality with a feeling of generosity and the joy of giving to others. As the proving continued, the provers started to feel disconnected and alone. There was a sense of not being nurtured as a child, unloved and unseen and an attempt to mask these feelings with cheerfulness. In order to gain the love and acceptance that they so desperately wanted they chose to be of service to others, generous and joyful. But ultimately, when the feelings of invisibility, being misunderstood and unloved persisted, irritability, intolerance and anger ensued. In their anger they felt unappreciated, judged and alone once again. The provers played very different roles in the proving. One took a path of anger and resentment, another a path of escaping from a relationship where there was anger and intolerance and another completely disconnected, each of them ending up alone.
According to Jan Scholten’ plant system:
666.44.05 Coreopsis verticillata
Series: Lanthanide series of Lanthanide series.
Clades: Angiospermae; Asteranae; Campanulidae; Asterales; Asteraceae; Heliantheae; Coreopsis
Phase: 4; Sub-phase 4
Stage: 5
Proving:
C1
1: A desire in me to serve. To do things for others. Be generous. All those sunny little flowers doing something for others.
1: When I asked for the matches the young man said just do not burn the place down and if you do, do not tell where you got the matches. He was the same one that said this morning, “Good evening”. He was confused.
1: I am aware of my eyebrows. It is not a visual it is a tactile.
1: (Giggling, singing.) I am being followed by a moon shadow……moon shadow……. moon shadow. (Song by Cat Stevens)
3: I found the plant very light smelling.
1: A light smell, the reflection of the smell.
2: I am really super nervous. I do not know about what.
Jan: I am nervous too. I do not know how it will go.
2: That does not make me feel better!
1: There is a group of islands off the coast of California and there is a indigenous coreopsis that is so yellow. It is such a tangled mess. Like how Sarah wanted her hair this morning.
1: It is so stemmy.
2: It is like a mess
1: A good hiding place for little things.
3: A sense of confusion, but fun.
2: It is very together.
1: I am aware of my ear canals. They are wider open and sort of, tingling not vibrating.
1: Scraping goes better counter clock wise. Giggle. Maybe I am just unwinding.
3: I have a real sense of playfulness. To play and have fun. Like a child. A playground.
1: Monkey bars.
3: A simple playful feeling.
3: Like a merry go round. Like going around
1: I feel warm all around.
2: I feel flushed too. Like this surface of my hands are cold, but heat is coming from my chest.
2: You didn’t tell me I had to count! I am only kidding.
1: I feel like going inward. It is a luring to be inward. Sort of like there is something to find there. Not like hiding, but like something’s radiant inside. Maybe that is where the heat is coming from. It does not feel good to be small. I want my legs stretched out and my elbows out.
2: I have no choice. You think with all this tangelment it would be off putting, but it is inviting. Like a nice place to hide.
1: The moonbeams on tracks. They lead me to the base of the plant and not the flower.
1: (Looking up out of the tops of her eyes.) I was really feeling my carotid glands. I was feeling the ear canal and it moved to the carotid and there was an awareness of the ear. The physical sensations are in my head.
1: (Giggling). I am thinking of caterpillars. Some kind of hairy caterpillar I think. Maybe my eyebrows. Like Frieda! I wonder how it would be to eat this plant. I do not think it is for us, but maybe caterpillars.
2: It does not have much leaf.
3: Dancing. Twirling and dancing almost.
1: I feel like I need more space.
3. As they were talking about the plant going down, I am feeling up and out instead of in. Where would it go if it kept going? Like WEEEEE like it would spin off and keep going and who knew where it lands. The timer is annoying because it takes me out of that fun.
3: The ray flowers make me feel about the surface and their sunniness. They feel superficial and the moon beams stems go in. The flowers are what go out.
1: But the way the flower has faded and the light is coming in through the window and it goes in.
3: It is one stem at the bottom and then goes out.
2: It is confusing. It looks like there is a lot going on and the leaves and catching on each other. It is so self-contained. I am drawn to the middle of it. It is like a cushion. It is very welcoming. I want to say a nest. Someplace you want to crawl into and make it your home.
1: Springy! Playful!
3: Do you mind if I turn it?? (The plant)
1: The word that comes to mind is obfuscating. The different parts of this plant, there is a quality of it is hiding another quality of it. Sunny rays that are obfuscating moon beams, the uprightness obfuscating the springy nest. You can go on wild goose chases with this plant.
3: Each flower and stem is small and you put them together and it is strong.
1: I look at the end and I think of the spores of mosses.
2: I want to get in there and sort it out a little bit. My mother would spend hours trying to brush out rats nests out of my hair just like this plant.
2: We were talking last night about tangled necklace. How it is always compelling to untangle a necklace.
3: A friend of mine and her hair is like this. It does not look messy, but it does in a way, going different directions.
2: There was something before that was making me feel weak and now I am feeling stronger. I was anxious and a fluttery feeling. Can I do the grinding and scraping and will my arms be strong enough?
2: My feet are warm I should take my shoes off.
1: I am aware of my eyebrows again especially when I am touching the plant.
1: It’s got this thing about, it tried to trick me. It looks like threes but they are actually one with a branch of two. (Looking at the blossoms).
3: I do not want you to mess with the plant. Do not untangle it. It does not want to be untangled.
1: The tangled mess reminds me of cactus wren and the way it makes its nest. It makes a tangled thing that looks like a rats nest in a cactus. It is a place to hide its nest.
2: I did see that there is a big leaf in the middle that does not look like it is part of the plant.
3: I am connected with this hiding feeling. I feel more protective of what is hiding and deep within the plant. It is not wanting to be known; what is in there.
2: I am focusing on the little tiny things.
1: I am thinking this is not a thirsty plant. Like it could endure a drought. That is why I went to cactus.
3: Wild goose chase. That is where it is leading me. You are not focused on what it is really about. I feel like the plant is like; “Oh good, they are not going to find out”.
1: I was wondering about what you were saying. What does it like in it soil? Does it like calcarea soils? It seems flexible and strong.
2: I am grooving on the rhythm of the grinding!
1: My body wants to do this stretch and bend thing. Asymmetry feels good.
2: I still have that thing a little bit that my skin feels cold, but I am warm with heat rising from inside.
3: I am almost feeling a chill. Like a shiver.
2: My skin is a shiver.
1: I just had to move my jaw to pop my ear.
2: My ear feels plugged too.
1: Now that I popped them there is a pulsating ringing.
3: I feel like a person like that would appear that you would not take seriously. Too scattered and confused and you would dismiss them from knowing anything because of that scattered quality.
1: It makes me feel like the nervous system. All the little nerves coming into the spine.
3: It looks like the nervous system in the body. When you see the synapses firing from one to another.
3: I feel unattached to rules! I used to be attached to doing it right.
2: Mouth is dry and gummy.
3: I am thinking about going in different directions. I feel like I am changing directions from weeeeeeee to no rules.
3: Now I am hot.
1: The sound of grinding is like nerves on edge. Too sensitive. Penetrating.
3: I wonder what a patient would look like that needed this remedy. I keep picturing the person and they would forget something in the car and they would go out and come back in and spill their tea and take their sweater off and put their sweater on…… like really scattered.
1: The mastoid process is……it feels full and congested and pressing on it feels good. Like I am squishing the springiness. There is something big about the ears with this remedy.
1: I am annoyed by the sound. It is not just the penetrating it is annoying.
3: I want to make it more annoying for you!! Not personal, hahahaha.
2: The roof of my mother is gummy and rough and a funny taste.
1: I want to blink my eyes a lot. That is now what is annoying.
3: I am feeling itchy.
2: It seems like there is a wall between the two of you, the way you are turned away from each other. (speaking to prover 1 & 3)
3: What is hidden in there? I feel like there is a fear, that there is nothing, that there is not depth.
1: It is a sadness.
3: I fear that it will be perceived as superficial, that the depth will not be perceived.
1: The feeling I am having now is sadness about being misunderstood. Shame, because I default to the sunny superficial presentation. So I have no right to be sad about being misunderstood. But it is a protection.
2: I was thinking of the word protection. I want to protect the plant.
1: All the action is all out at the furthest perimeter. Relationships. Sunshine, bees……..whatever pollinates it. That is the action. The exchange. Wind, sun, insects, moonlight….
3: It feels like the rest time. The night. All the activity is quieted and it can be more inner and more…..restful and peaceful.
2: My tongue feels sharp like I will cut myself. There is an edge.
(Lots of tension in the room)
1: When I sway it is comforting. To have my torso swing side to side is relaxing.
3: The details feel annoying to me. Wanting to go down into the plant where it is solid and centered as opposed to going out where it spins and becomes separate. The details feel aggravating and it is difficult to go down and in.
3: The fun is gone.
1: What fun?
1: My auditory senses are heightened and that sound is driving me nuts. (plugging ears).
3: I feel like there is a need for a lot of calm and quiet, no distraction, a simple and peaceful environment. No multi-tasking. One thing at a time. Too much going on at one time. It is distracting and it is protective. It keeps the depth of it hidden.
3: There can be multitasking on the other side. It is the other side of where I started. What is the state of this plant?
1: Its strength is in its flexibility.
C2
3: This is all a protective quality to what is down below. There is a sense of wholeness that is lacking. The scattered part of the plant is hiding the need for calm and dark. Night time is……it likes that time because it experiences wholeness and not separateness.
1: Too much thinking gets in the way. It is a diversion not to feel the separateness. I am more than me.
3: What is being protected is the me. I have to appear to be more than I am so that what I am will not be discovered to be not enough.
1: (Scowling.) Something is really wrong with this picture, nothing personal (speaking to prover 3). My eyebrows are expressing something and I am perturbed.
2: I feel there is a lot of strength here. This is so delicate, but the parts are so different from the way it presents as a whole. Something hidden, but not is a bad way. It feels protective. It is not hiding more than it is a safe haven. There is nothing negative about it. We are all a little irritated. It is like…….. I am fine; do not put that on me.
Jan: getting lost in the details?
2: I keep focusing on the details, the details of the plant and this one little red spot.
2: The hot and cold thing is coming in waves too. That is not normal for me.
1: I am pissed off that people do not get it. I am more than annoyed. I am pissed off because it should be obvious. So instead of ob-fuscating it is ob-vious and I am pissed off that people do not see it.
1: And I think that there is something about this that is reaching. Reaching for the sun, to be further from the soil, curious or trying to get as many points for stimulation. Something reaching and doing it quickly and there is quick growth not slowness. I could be pissed off that they are not getting the obvious, that they are too slow.
Jan: What is the obvious that they do not see?
1: That I am opposites. I am sun and I am moon. I am seeking light and I am strong and weak and I do not like being anything in-between.
Jan: So people do not see that you have all the sides?
1: They are not curious enough and they see the side they want to see. It is like Medusa. You can find whatever you want to see.
Jan: Why does it make you angry?
1: Because I can only show it I and not speak it.
Jan: Why is that bad?? When people do not see what is obvious?
1: I get hurt. And I can’t ask for it, I can’t ask to be seen.
3: I feel like…. how can they see it when you are so busy being pissed off all the time? No one wants to deal with that level of pissed off. I do not feel pissed off. I am like; how can they see what you want them to see when you are so angry all the time and working all the time? I feel like I am relating to the part that wants to be seen and I cannot be seen because people are diverted by the anger and business. They cannot work their way through it all to get to the central place.
2: I am amused at the anger. I have a feeling I want to push people’s buttons. That sharp tongue thing. Wanting to have a clever response.
Jan: I got an image of a unicorn in the darkness. One very pure and white, but in the chaos it is not seen.
3: Being in the deeper space I feel the anger, but I have compassion about it. I understand and there is a calm patient because I understand the vulnerability that the anger is protecting.
2: Being watched and observed and what people would perceive. We are poking at this plant wanting to know what it is all about and the plant is like…….. I am fine.
3: One side of the duality is quiet and calm and peaceful and the other extreme is a lot going on and multi-tasking energy.
3: You have to know which part you are talking to.
1: Lots of O words…obtuse, obfuscating, object, obvious. Pissed off is about being annoyed not angry. I was not angry. But maybe you felt anger.
3: I actually feel very calm and centered, but I am like stop being annoyed. That is what is causing more struggles. They do not see you. But I feel compassion. They cannot allow that level of vulnerability to be seen.
3: This busy-ness thing. It is like the physical space and the sunny side. Cheerful it is the same place that the annoyance happens. What happens is that the being pissed off goes to a deeper level. It actually explodes like this thing covered in yellow flowers and it would repel people coming near. It keeps protection and it is deliberating defending any vulnerability. The magic between energies……. people and plant.
1: Someone who did not get any nurturing. When they needed basic nurturing. Children who are not seen by their parents. False sunniness. That is the way the world wanted to see them and so they got really good at showing that.
Jan: Learning a lot of abilities so they would get appreciation. Service. That service thing again.
3: Each time you do that you get further and further away and it gets to be about how to meet the world.
3: That is what increases the pissed off. Every blossom is serving. Serving all of them and the plant gets bigger and bigger and so does the pissed off. The sunny disposition cannot be held any more. It is harder and harder not to be pulled into that feeling of anger. Hold my center. Calm compassionate understanding of limitation.
1: My center is something else, I want to say, in my pissed off state. Why do I have to hold anything? Why not get angry? Why hold me or my reaction? Why do you have to hold??
3: Because in the duality of it, it creates the feeling that I am not enough as one. I need to be many and much. I am not enough as one. I am really fucking tired and that is why I hold it. I do not want to do that anymore.
2: Serving and generosity is not where I am. There is no generosity over here.
2: That nurturing that it didn’t get. That drought tolerance. For me normally I have a strong sense of service and so normally for me there is a large part that wants to make the world a better place and this is a completely different feeling. Serving people and I do not have that sense in this room. I am feeling inward and the impulse is to circle into myself and not to reach out. I am not getting that relationship at all. Listening and not getting what you guys are talking about and it is bugging me.
3: A women living alone and they like calm and peaceful and everything is just so and I want things the way I need it to be and dammit.
2: The last round (C1) it is very calm and now I am not feeling calm at all. I am unhappy and dissatisfied.
1: It is a very hollow thing to serve, can be a very genuine gift and it can be for pleasing and trying to be a part of.
2: That needing to please others, I am not getting that now. My throat is really sore and it is not a pleasant feeling. Sharp like splintery.
1: It does feel like to me that it is the voice box.
1: Are you humored by this?? (speaking to prover 2)
2: People out there looking at us. I do not know if anyone is doing this, analyzing it all as we’re doing it. I was thinking about me in the beginning……wow this is going to be so fun. Then I am like…….. I don’t think so.
1: Being nice…….
3 Harder to hold this centered place. I am feeling like this is difficult for you and I want to rescue you. (speaking to prover 1)
2: Feeling put upon. The absence of the generosity is obligation.
1: OB-ligation.
3: Now I am getting pissed off. Now I have to listen to prover 1 and now I have to listen to prover 2.
3: I wanted to eat and now I have to grind and I am pissed. I am always really close to taking care of myself and I am pulled away and something else has to be done.
2: The roof of my mouth feels like I have burned it.
3: I feel like there is a choice to either be pissed off or deep grief and I am losing its centered-ness and I cannot stop it and it was a fabulous place. I have a choice to be pissed off about it or grieve the loss of it. The grief is heavy.
1: Suck it up; that is life. That feeling of grief. Suck it up. No one is going to care.
3: I am not going to get pulled into her anger.
1: My saying suck it up the time of it is like it always like that. There is grief and no one knows it and no one cares.
3: Are you bitter?
1: I am resigned. It is just being practical. My most practical way of going on.
3: I feel like I could weep. Because I lose the wholeness and the sense of me if that is the path I go…… I am at this fork in the road and I want ……(weeping). I want so badly to not go that way. I want to be able to, to hold on to this and I know how it goes it is so big and goes so fast and I feel like I cannot do it. I still do not want that to make me choose the practical pissed off path.
1: But I do not matter.
3: But you do and you chose it.
1: I did not choose it.
3: I can make a different path if I felt capable of doing that. Capable of handling all that comes with going that way.
2: I am totally in awe of your strength. The way that you are speaking is so powerful. Even with the pain that you are so uncomfortable with you are coming from this place that is so rooted.
3: I am at a fork in the road. I want to let it in and I want to be humbler. I cannot let people know that I need it and want it. Then it means I am not enough. In order to be enough I need not to want it, need it………relationship, connection, family, approval, people telling me how much they need me, love me. And if prover 2 knew me she would not think I am strong. She cannot really see me. I am not humble and I am not compassionate or generous.
1: (Smiling) Hmmmmmm I was laughing at the theme again of “if she could really see me”, that is the whole point. If you are seen you are vulnerable and if you are not seen you are longing to be seen. Because no one cares that you need something or want something……..just suck it up; that is life.
3: I feel that it was a choice. You go that path, but I am not going that path. I am not going to be your partner in practicality, being pissed off. This might be a tougher path, but I am going to find the ability to go down this path. I do not know how and I trust that I will be able to rise to the occasion one step at a time one foot in front of the other. But the pain of going down that path of being pissed off is greater than the difficulty of rising above and growing bigger than it.
3: The noise of the world and all of the people and other paths get very loud. If I get equally as quiet and equally as still I can do it. I will do it. I will figure out what I need to take care of myself. What I need to help myself and let my life grow. I will do it for me as myself. Not for what anyone thinks about it. Not how much money I make. But for the me that I know there is to be.
C3
2: I started to feel super calm at the end of your grinding (to prover 3).
1: I do not like the way I have been in the last while; I thought I had been cast in lacking courage and that I felt rigid. I was rigid. And really unyielding. And in that place prover 2, your role, who you are in this proving. My persona is like; oh you are doing it with your strength……I am being sunny and cheerful and serving because if I do not do that someone is going to get hurt. Set myself aside; I have to take care of the people around me in that ridged way.
2: I am having a hard time regulating my temperature. Sometimes the draft is ok.
3: I feel like there is a struggle with being human. Something that becomes an image of a higher path or higher existence. The image is accepting humanity and limitation in thinking and selfishness. The duality of it.
1: I want something and it feels like; I need to sound it out. Like tapping brail. Like any other complex level I cannot identify what I want. I would recognize the pattern or the rhythm or the beat, but not words. If I was not having to do this job here, I would want to be hugging my pillow. Sort of like to sooth myself because I do not know what I want. For some reason I could identify it by sound or by taste, but not with words.
1: I have no appetite. How can I find a taste if I do not have an appetite? How would I know the taste if I do not eat, if I do not have desire…?
2: I am tired and drained. I feel like there was a release and I could take a nap right now. And I am parched a little bit now.
1: Parched is an excellent word. That is the state. I am so accustomed to having no appetite; I have no taste. You cannot feel parched unless you can feel thirst.
1: Flute music or what is it……a water fall or leaves in the wind. The right sound would be harder to block they could penetrate. Then I can know what I want.
3: See that is what happens when you take the path of being pissed off you become so disconnected from what you need. I understand my place. I know my place and it helps me to know my own experience in reaction to Prover 1’s. I am like…….. oh, I see. That is the left fork in the road. Like in Scrooge when you have the luxury of seeing the path before you take it, that is where I am. Oh, I see if I took the pissed off path, that is where I would be. I am now back to compassion.
1: I do not feel compassion; I feel judged. So I am going to cling to my pillow.
3: I have an understanding that her judgment of me is her judgment and her path.
1: But you do not understand me. If you think all I am is a path.
Jan: you are in the problem still.
3: I have the greater sense of holding.
Jan: that is not the disease. Solution??
3: Conscious choice.
1: Love. No one ever loved me. Suck it up and do what you got to.
2: I have not been in either place. I feel in-between. This is a circular thing. We are ok and then we are not ok and there is a connection that is lost. In conversation when someone says something and then the other and then you come back around and the first person says the same thing.
Jan: that is all disease, it is circular.
2: The person does not see.
3: What I want Prover 1 to know (weeping). Ummm…. I had to leave and I loved you enough to not drown with you. I had to leave and find a place that was healthy. A little place for you to go. I could not stay and drown with you because we would both die. I left so you would have a place to come to and it was so painful for me to leave you. I did not want to leave you. It was the only way that I could maybe save you. So I loved you enough to do that. I loved you deeply so I could leave you there. And it is so hard to know that you do not know that and you do not feel that. That was the only way. But you have the choice.
Jan: What is your grief?
3: I left you in a dangerous place. A drowning place. If I would have stayed we both would have suffered and lost ourselves. I had to leave to find a healthier way and she could come.
Jan: Do you know this kind of feeling?
3: I suppose. Yeah………
1: My state says I am alone and I did my best.
3: It feels ok to honor her choice. I also honor my choice.
1: This place I am that you see is a fork in the path, that is my purpose – to be on my own and distracting my pain with cheerfulness and happiness and service. To protect against, that hurt. I feel extremely powerful and a painful blast of rage.
Jan: What does her grief do to you?
1: It was your choice. You got your grief and I have my rigidity. It was your choice to leave me.
Jan: How do you solve it?
1: Go in and finding flexibility or the ability to move. Somewhere inside me…….. if you came with me there could have been another way. If we were together. I just had to do this work. I have to defend what I am doing. It does not feel like I chose it.
3: I would say there is always a choice. I do not want to say what I am thinking. What good would it do? It causes more pain in the relationship.
Jan: Duality…you say you had to leave her alone but you are alone too.
3: Being alone is not a problem for me. I wish she would come.
Jan: So if she does not come she leaves you alone. You are strong in your roles and now you have to find a solution.
3: I feel like it is a healthy path but I have to be more flexible.
1: I am still missing love. Invite love. Be lovable.
2: I am feeling detached and eyes clouded over. I feel very much separated. I was before, but now I am apathetic. I see emotion but I am not feeling it.
Jan: But what do you feel for yourself?
2: I want to be alone. I am not resonating with either one of them. I do not want to be either. I do not want to go there.
Jan: Spectator, guilty and pissed off.
3: It is enough to give someone a really bad headache. In my teeth. Left side.
2: We are all protecting ourselves. Separate.
Jan: To be in relationship is losing part of yourself.
3: Courage to do something different than what you already know. To take another path. Pride. If I was not so proud of thinking I had find a better path and a better way.
Jan: You are stuck. What does this role mean for you in your own life?
2: I am definitely owning my reaction.
Jan: The difference and the similarity of your own state. In the beginning so much openness and wanting to be there for everyone and now all is withdrawn.
The solution could be that the whole world is you. They are you in a different form.
2: Conflict resolution. The idea we are all created in god’s image and that is where you get that synergy back.
Jan: You are pissed off; you just do not show it.
2: All my physical symptoms are gone. The throat and the roof of my mouth and the skin and anxiety.
1: It is almost the bigger of me. Dancing in the blossoms and the sunlight and with whatever pollinates this plant. The “bigger than” me. That energy was so good, it felt like it was too wonderful and I went scurrying back inside that little rodent’s nest.
[punctuation added]
3: What do you mean, too wonderful?
1: It was not about me, that place is just beyond that light. The interaction at that place was too wonderful awesome scary unknown hard to sustain. The other place is no love.
Jan: A strong desire for love
3: A confusion about how to get love. They thought they knew the way. It is the way it looks. It looks healthy, but it does not provide what you need. I chose the path that I thought was the strong path but I am alone.
1: Me too
3: But ……..what I do not know...
1: There was a dead end.
3: …why you cannot label something good, bad, right, or wrong. The duality is deceiving and if that is not what a particular person needs it is not going to be helpful for them. Confusing!
Jan: Confusion between giving and taking. You give love….. there is no point in needing love, it comes automatically. Happiness is not in the world, it is inside. We do not get it out of the world; it comes from within – we put it into the world.
3: So that is a different path. I thought there was no other choice. In the moment of choosing I could only see the 2 paths.
This proving manifested in such a beautiful way I decided to present it exactly how it unfolded. At the beginning of the trituration the provers experienced a sense of joy and giddiness; a childlike quality with a feeling of generosity and the joy of giving to others. As the proving continued, the provers started to feel disconnected and alone. There was a sense of not being nurtured as a child, unloved and unseen and an attempt to mask these feelings with cheerfulness. In order to gain the love and acceptance that they so desperately wanted they chose to be of service to others, generous and joyful. But ultimately, when the feelings of invisibility, being misunderstood and unloved persisted, irritability, intolerance and anger ensued. In their anger they felt unappreciated, judged and alone once again. The provers played very different roles in the proving. One took a path of anger and resentment, another a path of escaping from a relationship where there was anger and intolerance and another completely disconnected, each of them ending up alone.
According to Jan Scholten’ plant system:
666.44.05 Coreopsis verticillata
Series: Lanthanide series of Lanthanide series.
Clades: Angiospermae; Asteranae; Campanulidae; Asterales; Asteraceae; Heliantheae; Coreopsis
Phase: 4; Sub-phase 4
Stage: 5
Proving:
C1
1: A desire in me to serve. To do things for others. Be generous. All those sunny little flowers doing something for others.
1: When I asked for the matches the young man said just do not burn the place down and if you do, do not tell where you got the matches. He was the same one that said this morning, “Good evening”. He was confused.
1: I am aware of my eyebrows. It is not a visual it is a tactile.
1: (Giggling, singing.) I am being followed by a moon shadow……moon shadow……. moon shadow. (Song by Cat Stevens)
3: I found the plant very light smelling.
1: A light smell, the reflection of the smell.
2: I am really super nervous. I do not know about what.
Jan: I am nervous too. I do not know how it will go.
2: That does not make me feel better!
1: There is a group of islands off the coast of California and there is a indigenous coreopsis that is so yellow. It is such a tangled mess. Like how Sarah wanted her hair this morning.
1: It is so stemmy.
2: It is like a mess
1: A good hiding place for little things.
3: A sense of confusion, but fun.
2: It is very together.
1: I am aware of my ear canals. They are wider open and sort of, tingling not vibrating.
1: Scraping goes better counter clock wise. Giggle. Maybe I am just unwinding.
3: I have a real sense of playfulness. To play and have fun. Like a child. A playground.
1: Monkey bars.
3: A simple playful feeling.
3: Like a merry go round. Like going around
1: I feel warm all around.
2: I feel flushed too. Like this surface of my hands are cold, but heat is coming from my chest.
2: You didn’t tell me I had to count! I am only kidding.
1: I feel like going inward. It is a luring to be inward. Sort of like there is something to find there. Not like hiding, but like something’s radiant inside. Maybe that is where the heat is coming from. It does not feel good to be small. I want my legs stretched out and my elbows out.
2: I have no choice. You think with all this tangelment it would be off putting, but it is inviting. Like a nice place to hide.
1: The moonbeams on tracks. They lead me to the base of the plant and not the flower.
1: (Looking up out of the tops of her eyes.) I was really feeling my carotid glands. I was feeling the ear canal and it moved to the carotid and there was an awareness of the ear. The physical sensations are in my head.
1: (Giggling). I am thinking of caterpillars. Some kind of hairy caterpillar I think. Maybe my eyebrows. Like Frieda! I wonder how it would be to eat this plant. I do not think it is for us, but maybe caterpillars.
2: It does not have much leaf.
3: Dancing. Twirling and dancing almost.
1: I feel like I need more space.
3. As they were talking about the plant going down, I am feeling up and out instead of in. Where would it go if it kept going? Like WEEEEE like it would spin off and keep going and who knew where it lands. The timer is annoying because it takes me out of that fun.
3: The ray flowers make me feel about the surface and their sunniness. They feel superficial and the moon beams stems go in. The flowers are what go out.
1: But the way the flower has faded and the light is coming in through the window and it goes in.
3: It is one stem at the bottom and then goes out.
2: It is confusing. It looks like there is a lot going on and the leaves and catching on each other. It is so self-contained. I am drawn to the middle of it. It is like a cushion. It is very welcoming. I want to say a nest. Someplace you want to crawl into and make it your home.
1: Springy! Playful!
3: Do you mind if I turn it?? (The plant)
1: The word that comes to mind is obfuscating. The different parts of this plant, there is a quality of it is hiding another quality of it. Sunny rays that are obfuscating moon beams, the uprightness obfuscating the springy nest. You can go on wild goose chases with this plant.
3: Each flower and stem is small and you put them together and it is strong.
1: I look at the end and I think of the spores of mosses.
2: I want to get in there and sort it out a little bit. My mother would spend hours trying to brush out rats nests out of my hair just like this plant.
2: We were talking last night about tangled necklace. How it is always compelling to untangle a necklace.
3: A friend of mine and her hair is like this. It does not look messy, but it does in a way, going different directions.
2: There was something before that was making me feel weak and now I am feeling stronger. I was anxious and a fluttery feeling. Can I do the grinding and scraping and will my arms be strong enough?
2: My feet are warm I should take my shoes off.
1: I am aware of my eyebrows again especially when I am touching the plant.
1: It’s got this thing about, it tried to trick me. It looks like threes but they are actually one with a branch of two. (Looking at the blossoms).
3: I do not want you to mess with the plant. Do not untangle it. It does not want to be untangled.
1: The tangled mess reminds me of cactus wren and the way it makes its nest. It makes a tangled thing that looks like a rats nest in a cactus. It is a place to hide its nest.
2: I did see that there is a big leaf in the middle that does not look like it is part of the plant.
3: I am connected with this hiding feeling. I feel more protective of what is hiding and deep within the plant. It is not wanting to be known; what is in there.
2: I am focusing on the little tiny things.
1: I am thinking this is not a thirsty plant. Like it could endure a drought. That is why I went to cactus.
3: Wild goose chase. That is where it is leading me. You are not focused on what it is really about. I feel like the plant is like; “Oh good, they are not going to find out”.
1: I was wondering about what you were saying. What does it like in it soil? Does it like calcarea soils? It seems flexible and strong.
2: I am grooving on the rhythm of the grinding!
1: My body wants to do this stretch and bend thing. Asymmetry feels good.
2: I still have that thing a little bit that my skin feels cold, but I am warm with heat rising from inside.
3: I am almost feeling a chill. Like a shiver.
2: My skin is a shiver.
1: I just had to move my jaw to pop my ear.
2: My ear feels plugged too.
1: Now that I popped them there is a pulsating ringing.
3: I feel like a person like that would appear that you would not take seriously. Too scattered and confused and you would dismiss them from knowing anything because of that scattered quality.
1: It makes me feel like the nervous system. All the little nerves coming into the spine.
3: It looks like the nervous system in the body. When you see the synapses firing from one to another.
3: I feel unattached to rules! I used to be attached to doing it right.
2: Mouth is dry and gummy.
3: I am thinking about going in different directions. I feel like I am changing directions from weeeeeeee to no rules.
3: Now I am hot.
1: The sound of grinding is like nerves on edge. Too sensitive. Penetrating.
3: I wonder what a patient would look like that needed this remedy. I keep picturing the person and they would forget something in the car and they would go out and come back in and spill their tea and take their sweater off and put their sweater on…… like really scattered.
1: The mastoid process is……it feels full and congested and pressing on it feels good. Like I am squishing the springiness. There is something big about the ears with this remedy.
1: I am annoyed by the sound. It is not just the penetrating it is annoying.
3: I want to make it more annoying for you!! Not personal, hahahaha.
2: The roof of my mother is gummy and rough and a funny taste.
1: I want to blink my eyes a lot. That is now what is annoying.
3: I am feeling itchy.
2: It seems like there is a wall between the two of you, the way you are turned away from each other. (speaking to prover 1 & 3)
3: What is hidden in there? I feel like there is a fear, that there is nothing, that there is not depth.
1: It is a sadness.
3: I fear that it will be perceived as superficial, that the depth will not be perceived.
1: The feeling I am having now is sadness about being misunderstood. Shame, because I default to the sunny superficial presentation. So I have no right to be sad about being misunderstood. But it is a protection.
2: I was thinking of the word protection. I want to protect the plant.
1: All the action is all out at the furthest perimeter. Relationships. Sunshine, bees……..whatever pollinates it. That is the action. The exchange. Wind, sun, insects, moonlight….
3: It feels like the rest time. The night. All the activity is quieted and it can be more inner and more…..restful and peaceful.
2: My tongue feels sharp like I will cut myself. There is an edge.
(Lots of tension in the room)
1: When I sway it is comforting. To have my torso swing side to side is relaxing.
3: The details feel annoying to me. Wanting to go down into the plant where it is solid and centered as opposed to going out where it spins and becomes separate. The details feel aggravating and it is difficult to go down and in.
3: The fun is gone.
1: What fun?
1: My auditory senses are heightened and that sound is driving me nuts. (plugging ears).
3: I feel like there is a need for a lot of calm and quiet, no distraction, a simple and peaceful environment. No multi-tasking. One thing at a time. Too much going on at one time. It is distracting and it is protective. It keeps the depth of it hidden.
3: There can be multitasking on the other side. It is the other side of where I started. What is the state of this plant?
1: Its strength is in its flexibility.
C2
3: This is all a protective quality to what is down below. There is a sense of wholeness that is lacking. The scattered part of the plant is hiding the need for calm and dark. Night time is……it likes that time because it experiences wholeness and not separateness.
1: Too much thinking gets in the way. It is a diversion not to feel the separateness. I am more than me.
3: What is being protected is the me. I have to appear to be more than I am so that what I am will not be discovered to be not enough.
1: (Scowling.) Something is really wrong with this picture, nothing personal (speaking to prover 3). My eyebrows are expressing something and I am perturbed.
2: I feel there is a lot of strength here. This is so delicate, but the parts are so different from the way it presents as a whole. Something hidden, but not is a bad way. It feels protective. It is not hiding more than it is a safe haven. There is nothing negative about it. We are all a little irritated. It is like…….. I am fine; do not put that on me.
Jan: getting lost in the details?
2: I keep focusing on the details, the details of the plant and this one little red spot.
2: The hot and cold thing is coming in waves too. That is not normal for me.
1: I am pissed off that people do not get it. I am more than annoyed. I am pissed off because it should be obvious. So instead of ob-fuscating it is ob-vious and I am pissed off that people do not see it.
1: And I think that there is something about this that is reaching. Reaching for the sun, to be further from the soil, curious or trying to get as many points for stimulation. Something reaching and doing it quickly and there is quick growth not slowness. I could be pissed off that they are not getting the obvious, that they are too slow.
Jan: What is the obvious that they do not see?
1: That I am opposites. I am sun and I am moon. I am seeking light and I am strong and weak and I do not like being anything in-between.
Jan: So people do not see that you have all the sides?
1: They are not curious enough and they see the side they want to see. It is like Medusa. You can find whatever you want to see.
Jan: Why does it make you angry?
1: Because I can only show it I and not speak it.
Jan: Why is that bad?? When people do not see what is obvious?
1: I get hurt. And I can’t ask for it, I can’t ask to be seen.
3: I feel like…. how can they see it when you are so busy being pissed off all the time? No one wants to deal with that level of pissed off. I do not feel pissed off. I am like; how can they see what you want them to see when you are so angry all the time and working all the time? I feel like I am relating to the part that wants to be seen and I cannot be seen because people are diverted by the anger and business. They cannot work their way through it all to get to the central place.
2: I am amused at the anger. I have a feeling I want to push people’s buttons. That sharp tongue thing. Wanting to have a clever response.
Jan: I got an image of a unicorn in the darkness. One very pure and white, but in the chaos it is not seen.
3: Being in the deeper space I feel the anger, but I have compassion about it. I understand and there is a calm patient because I understand the vulnerability that the anger is protecting.
2: Being watched and observed and what people would perceive. We are poking at this plant wanting to know what it is all about and the plant is like…….. I am fine.
3: One side of the duality is quiet and calm and peaceful and the other extreme is a lot going on and multi-tasking energy.
3: You have to know which part you are talking to.
1: Lots of O words…obtuse, obfuscating, object, obvious. Pissed off is about being annoyed not angry. I was not angry. But maybe you felt anger.
3: I actually feel very calm and centered, but I am like stop being annoyed. That is what is causing more struggles. They do not see you. But I feel compassion. They cannot allow that level of vulnerability to be seen.
3: This busy-ness thing. It is like the physical space and the sunny side. Cheerful it is the same place that the annoyance happens. What happens is that the being pissed off goes to a deeper level. It actually explodes like this thing covered in yellow flowers and it would repel people coming near. It keeps protection and it is deliberating defending any vulnerability. The magic between energies……. people and plant.
1: Someone who did not get any nurturing. When they needed basic nurturing. Children who are not seen by their parents. False sunniness. That is the way the world wanted to see them and so they got really good at showing that.
Jan: Learning a lot of abilities so they would get appreciation. Service. That service thing again.
3: Each time you do that you get further and further away and it gets to be about how to meet the world.
3: That is what increases the pissed off. Every blossom is serving. Serving all of them and the plant gets bigger and bigger and so does the pissed off. The sunny disposition cannot be held any more. It is harder and harder not to be pulled into that feeling of anger. Hold my center. Calm compassionate understanding of limitation.
1: My center is something else, I want to say, in my pissed off state. Why do I have to hold anything? Why not get angry? Why hold me or my reaction? Why do you have to hold??
3: Because in the duality of it, it creates the feeling that I am not enough as one. I need to be many and much. I am not enough as one. I am really fucking tired and that is why I hold it. I do not want to do that anymore.
2: Serving and generosity is not where I am. There is no generosity over here.
2: That nurturing that it didn’t get. That drought tolerance. For me normally I have a strong sense of service and so normally for me there is a large part that wants to make the world a better place and this is a completely different feeling. Serving people and I do not have that sense in this room. I am feeling inward and the impulse is to circle into myself and not to reach out. I am not getting that relationship at all. Listening and not getting what you guys are talking about and it is bugging me.
3: A women living alone and they like calm and peaceful and everything is just so and I want things the way I need it to be and dammit.
2: The last round (C1) it is very calm and now I am not feeling calm at all. I am unhappy and dissatisfied.
1: It is a very hollow thing to serve, can be a very genuine gift and it can be for pleasing and trying to be a part of.
2: That needing to please others, I am not getting that now. My throat is really sore and it is not a pleasant feeling. Sharp like splintery.
1: It does feel like to me that it is the voice box.
1: Are you humored by this?? (speaking to prover 2)
2: People out there looking at us. I do not know if anyone is doing this, analyzing it all as we’re doing it. I was thinking about me in the beginning……wow this is going to be so fun. Then I am like…….. I don’t think so.
1: Being nice…….
3 Harder to hold this centered place. I am feeling like this is difficult for you and I want to rescue you. (speaking to prover 1)
2: Feeling put upon. The absence of the generosity is obligation.
1: OB-ligation.
3: Now I am getting pissed off. Now I have to listen to prover 1 and now I have to listen to prover 2.
3: I wanted to eat and now I have to grind and I am pissed. I am always really close to taking care of myself and I am pulled away and something else has to be done.
2: The roof of my mouth feels like I have burned it.
3: I feel like there is a choice to either be pissed off or deep grief and I am losing its centered-ness and I cannot stop it and it was a fabulous place. I have a choice to be pissed off about it or grieve the loss of it. The grief is heavy.
1: Suck it up; that is life. That feeling of grief. Suck it up. No one is going to care.
3: I am not going to get pulled into her anger.
1: My saying suck it up the time of it is like it always like that. There is grief and no one knows it and no one cares.
3: Are you bitter?
1: I am resigned. It is just being practical. My most practical way of going on.
3: I feel like I could weep. Because I lose the wholeness and the sense of me if that is the path I go…… I am at this fork in the road and I want ……(weeping). I want so badly to not go that way. I want to be able to, to hold on to this and I know how it goes it is so big and goes so fast and I feel like I cannot do it. I still do not want that to make me choose the practical pissed off path.
1: But I do not matter.
3: But you do and you chose it.
1: I did not choose it.
3: I can make a different path if I felt capable of doing that. Capable of handling all that comes with going that way.
2: I am totally in awe of your strength. The way that you are speaking is so powerful. Even with the pain that you are so uncomfortable with you are coming from this place that is so rooted.
3: I am at a fork in the road. I want to let it in and I want to be humbler. I cannot let people know that I need it and want it. Then it means I am not enough. In order to be enough I need not to want it, need it………relationship, connection, family, approval, people telling me how much they need me, love me. And if prover 2 knew me she would not think I am strong. She cannot really see me. I am not humble and I am not compassionate or generous.
1: (Smiling) Hmmmmmm I was laughing at the theme again of “if she could really see me”, that is the whole point. If you are seen you are vulnerable and if you are not seen you are longing to be seen. Because no one cares that you need something or want something……..just suck it up; that is life.
3: I feel that it was a choice. You go that path, but I am not going that path. I am not going to be your partner in practicality, being pissed off. This might be a tougher path, but I am going to find the ability to go down this path. I do not know how and I trust that I will be able to rise to the occasion one step at a time one foot in front of the other. But the pain of going down that path of being pissed off is greater than the difficulty of rising above and growing bigger than it.
3: The noise of the world and all of the people and other paths get very loud. If I get equally as quiet and equally as still I can do it. I will do it. I will figure out what I need to take care of myself. What I need to help myself and let my life grow. I will do it for me as myself. Not for what anyone thinks about it. Not how much money I make. But for the me that I know there is to be.
C3
2: I started to feel super calm at the end of your grinding (to prover 3).
1: I do not like the way I have been in the last while; I thought I had been cast in lacking courage and that I felt rigid. I was rigid. And really unyielding. And in that place prover 2, your role, who you are in this proving. My persona is like; oh you are doing it with your strength……I am being sunny and cheerful and serving because if I do not do that someone is going to get hurt. Set myself aside; I have to take care of the people around me in that ridged way.
2: I am having a hard time regulating my temperature. Sometimes the draft is ok.
3: I feel like there is a struggle with being human. Something that becomes an image of a higher path or higher existence. The image is accepting humanity and limitation in thinking and selfishness. The duality of it.
1: I want something and it feels like; I need to sound it out. Like tapping brail. Like any other complex level I cannot identify what I want. I would recognize the pattern or the rhythm or the beat, but not words. If I was not having to do this job here, I would want to be hugging my pillow. Sort of like to sooth myself because I do not know what I want. For some reason I could identify it by sound or by taste, but not with words.
1: I have no appetite. How can I find a taste if I do not have an appetite? How would I know the taste if I do not eat, if I do not have desire…?
2: I am tired and drained. I feel like there was a release and I could take a nap right now. And I am parched a little bit now.
1: Parched is an excellent word. That is the state. I am so accustomed to having no appetite; I have no taste. You cannot feel parched unless you can feel thirst.
1: Flute music or what is it……a water fall or leaves in the wind. The right sound would be harder to block they could penetrate. Then I can know what I want.
3: See that is what happens when you take the path of being pissed off you become so disconnected from what you need. I understand my place. I know my place and it helps me to know my own experience in reaction to Prover 1’s. I am like…….. oh, I see. That is the left fork in the road. Like in Scrooge when you have the luxury of seeing the path before you take it, that is where I am. Oh, I see if I took the pissed off path, that is where I would be. I am now back to compassion.
1: I do not feel compassion; I feel judged. So I am going to cling to my pillow.
3: I have an understanding that her judgment of me is her judgment and her path.
1: But you do not understand me. If you think all I am is a path.
Jan: you are in the problem still.
3: I have the greater sense of holding.
Jan: that is not the disease. Solution??
3: Conscious choice.
1: Love. No one ever loved me. Suck it up and do what you got to.
2: I have not been in either place. I feel in-between. This is a circular thing. We are ok and then we are not ok and there is a connection that is lost. In conversation when someone says something and then the other and then you come back around and the first person says the same thing.
Jan: that is all disease, it is circular.
2: The person does not see.
3: What I want Prover 1 to know (weeping). Ummm…. I had to leave and I loved you enough to not drown with you. I had to leave and find a place that was healthy. A little place for you to go. I could not stay and drown with you because we would both die. I left so you would have a place to come to and it was so painful for me to leave you. I did not want to leave you. It was the only way that I could maybe save you. So I loved you enough to do that. I loved you deeply so I could leave you there. And it is so hard to know that you do not know that and you do not feel that. That was the only way. But you have the choice.
Jan: What is your grief?
3: I left you in a dangerous place. A drowning place. If I would have stayed we both would have suffered and lost ourselves. I had to leave to find a healthier way and she could come.
Jan: Do you know this kind of feeling?
3: I suppose. Yeah………
1: My state says I am alone and I did my best.
3: It feels ok to honor her choice. I also honor my choice.
1: This place I am that you see is a fork in the path, that is my purpose – to be on my own and distracting my pain with cheerfulness and happiness and service. To protect against, that hurt. I feel extremely powerful and a painful blast of rage.
Jan: What does her grief do to you?
1: It was your choice. You got your grief and I have my rigidity. It was your choice to leave me.
Jan: How do you solve it?
1: Go in and finding flexibility or the ability to move. Somewhere inside me…….. if you came with me there could have been another way. If we were together. I just had to do this work. I have to defend what I am doing. It does not feel like I chose it.
3: I would say there is always a choice. I do not want to say what I am thinking. What good would it do? It causes more pain in the relationship.
Jan: Duality…you say you had to leave her alone but you are alone too.
3: Being alone is not a problem for me. I wish she would come.
Jan: So if she does not come she leaves you alone. You are strong in your roles and now you have to find a solution.
3: I feel like it is a healthy path but I have to be more flexible.
1: I am still missing love. Invite love. Be lovable.
2: I am feeling detached and eyes clouded over. I feel very much separated. I was before, but now I am apathetic. I see emotion but I am not feeling it.
Jan: But what do you feel for yourself?
2: I want to be alone. I am not resonating with either one of them. I do not want to be either. I do not want to go there.
Jan: Spectator, guilty and pissed off.
3: It is enough to give someone a really bad headache. In my teeth. Left side.
2: We are all protecting ourselves. Separate.
Jan: To be in relationship is losing part of yourself.
3: Courage to do something different than what you already know. To take another path. Pride. If I was not so proud of thinking I had find a better path and a better way.
Jan: You are stuck. What does this role mean for you in your own life?
2: I am definitely owning my reaction.
Jan: The difference and the similarity of your own state. In the beginning so much openness and wanting to be there for everyone and now all is withdrawn.
The solution could be that the whole world is you. They are you in a different form.
2: Conflict resolution. The idea we are all created in god’s image and that is where you get that synergy back.
Jan: You are pissed off; you just do not show it.
2: All my physical symptoms are gone. The throat and the roof of my mouth and the skin and anxiety.
1: It is almost the bigger of me. Dancing in the blossoms and the sunlight and with whatever pollinates this plant. The “bigger than” me. That energy was so good, it felt like it was too wonderful and I went scurrying back inside that little rodent’s nest.
[punctuation added]
3: What do you mean, too wonderful?
1: It was not about me, that place is just beyond that light. The interaction at that place was too wonderful awesome scary unknown hard to sustain. The other place is no love.
Jan: A strong desire for love
3: A confusion about how to get love. They thought they knew the way. It is the way it looks. It looks healthy, but it does not provide what you need. I chose the path that I thought was the strong path but I am alone.
1: Me too
3: But ……..what I do not know...
1: There was a dead end.
3: …why you cannot label something good, bad, right, or wrong. The duality is deceiving and if that is not what a particular person needs it is not going to be helpful for them. Confusing!
Jan: Confusion between giving and taking. You give love….. there is no point in needing love, it comes automatically. Happiness is not in the world, it is inside. We do not get it out of the world; it comes from within – we put it into the world.
3: So that is a different path. I thought there was no other choice. In the moment of choosing I could only see the 2 paths.