Computer Emanation
Master Prover: Sally Williams
I would like to thank the Baylight School of Homeopathy, Nancy Frederick and all the participants of this proving. Their courage, dedication and commitment to this difficult proving was inspiring.
History:
Konrad Zuse (1910-1995) was a construction engineer for the Henschel Aircraft Company in Berlin, Germany at the beginning of WWII. Konrad Zuse earned the semiofficial title of "inventor of the modern computer" for his series of automatic calculators, which he invented to help him with his lengthy engineering calculations. In 1936, Zuse made a mechanical calculator called the Z1, the first binary computer. Zuse's ideas, not fully implemented in the Z1, succeeded more with each Z prototype. In 1939, Zuse completed the Z2, the first fully functioning electro-mechanical computer. Konrad Zuse completed the Z3 in 1941, with recycled materials donated by fellow university staff and students. This was the world's first electronic, fully programmable digital computer based on a binary floating-point number and switching system.
In 1941, the Z3 contained almost all of the features of a modern computer as defined by John von Neumann and his colleagues in 1946. The only exception was the ability to store the program in the memory together with the data. Konrad Zuse did not implement this feature in the Z3, because his 64-word memory was too small to support this mode of operation. Due to the fact that he wanted to calculate thousands of instructions in a meaningful order, he only used the memory to store values or numbers. Quote; The Life and Work of Konrad Zuse, by Horst Zuse.
Zuse was unable to convince the Nazi government to support his work for a computer based on electronic valves. The Germans thought they were close to winning the War and felt no need to support further research. The Z1 through Z3 models were destroyed during the war along with Zuse Apparatebau, the first computer company that Zuse formed in 1940. Zuse left for Zurich to finish his work on the Z4, smuggling the Z4 from Germany in a military truck, which he hid in stables on route to Zurich, Switzerland. He completed and installed the Z4 in the Applied Mathematics Division of Zurich's Federal Polytechnical Institute, in use there until 1955.
The first extensive computer was the giant ENIAC machine by John W. Mauchly and J. Presper Eckert at the University of Pennsylvania. ENIAC (Electrical Numerical Integrator and Calculator) used a word of 10 decimal digits instead of binary ones like previous automated calculators/computers. ENIAC was also the first machine to use more than 2,000 vacuum tubes, using nearly 18,000 vacuum tubes. Storage of all those vacuum tubes and the machinery required to keep the cool took up over 167 square meters (1800 square feet) of floor space. ENIAC is generally acknowledged to be the first successful high-speed electronic digital computer (EDC) and was productively used from 1946 to 1955.
A controversy developed in 1971, however, over the patentability of ENIAC's basic digital concepts, the claim made was that another U.S. physicist, John V. Atanasoff, had already used the same ideas in a simpler vacuum-tube device he built in the 1930s while at Iowa State College.
"It was at an evening of scotch and 100 mph car rides," John Atanasoff told reporters, "when the concept came, for an electronically operated machine, that would use base-two (binary) numbers instead of the traditional base-10 numbers, condensers for memory, and a regenerative process to preclude loss of memory from electrical failure."
It is said that he wrote most of the concepts of the first modern computer on the back of a cocktail napkin. He was very fond of fast cars and scotch. In 1973, the court found in favor of the company using Atanasoff claim and Atanasoff received the acclaim he rightly deserved.
History:
Konrad Zuse (1910-1995) was a construction engineer for the Henschel Aircraft Company in Berlin, Germany at the beginning of WWII. Konrad Zuse earned the semiofficial title of "inventor of the modern computer" for his series of automatic calculators, which he invented to help him with his lengthy engineering calculations. In 1936, Zuse made a mechanical calculator called the Z1, the first binary computer. Zuse's ideas, not fully implemented in the Z1, succeeded more with each Z prototype. In 1939, Zuse completed the Z2, the first fully functioning electro-mechanical computer. Konrad Zuse completed the Z3 in 1941, with recycled materials donated by fellow university staff and students. This was the world's first electronic, fully programmable digital computer based on a binary floating-point number and switching system.
In 1941, the Z3 contained almost all of the features of a modern computer as defined by John von Neumann and his colleagues in 1946. The only exception was the ability to store the program in the memory together with the data. Konrad Zuse did not implement this feature in the Z3, because his 64-word memory was too small to support this mode of operation. Due to the fact that he wanted to calculate thousands of instructions in a meaningful order, he only used the memory to store values or numbers. Quote; The Life and Work of Konrad Zuse, by Horst Zuse.
Zuse was unable to convince the Nazi government to support his work for a computer based on electronic valves. The Germans thought they were close to winning the War and felt no need to support further research. The Z1 through Z3 models were destroyed during the war along with Zuse Apparatebau, the first computer company that Zuse formed in 1940. Zuse left for Zurich to finish his work on the Z4, smuggling the Z4 from Germany in a military truck, which he hid in stables on route to Zurich, Switzerland. He completed and installed the Z4 in the Applied Mathematics Division of Zurich's Federal Polytechnical Institute, in use there until 1955.
The first extensive computer was the giant ENIAC machine by John W. Mauchly and J. Presper Eckert at the University of Pennsylvania. ENIAC (Electrical Numerical Integrator and Calculator) used a word of 10 decimal digits instead of binary ones like previous automated calculators/computers. ENIAC was also the first machine to use more than 2,000 vacuum tubes, using nearly 18,000 vacuum tubes. Storage of all those vacuum tubes and the machinery required to keep the cool took up over 167 square meters (1800 square feet) of floor space. ENIAC is generally acknowledged to be the first successful high-speed electronic digital computer (EDC) and was productively used from 1946 to 1955.
A controversy developed in 1971, however, over the patentability of ENIAC's basic digital concepts, the claim made was that another U.S. physicist, John V. Atanasoff, had already used the same ideas in a simpler vacuum-tube device he built in the 1930s while at Iowa State College.
"It was at an evening of scotch and 100 mph car rides," John Atanasoff told reporters, "when the concept came, for an electronically operated machine, that would use base-two (binary) numbers instead of the traditional base-10 numbers, condensers for memory, and a regenerative process to preclude loss of memory from electrical failure."
It is said that he wrote most of the concepts of the first modern computer on the back of a cocktail napkin. He was very fond of fast cars and scotch. In 1973, the court found in favor of the company using Atanasoff claim and Atanasoff received the acclaim he rightly deserved.
The vacuum tube, used up to this time in almost all the computers and calculating machines, had been invented by American physicist Lee De Forest in 1906. The vacuum tube, which is about the size of a human thumb, worked by using large amounts of electricity to heat a filament inside the tube until it was cherry red. One result of heating this filament up was the release of electrons into the tube, which could be controlled by other elements within the tube. De Forest's original device was a triode, which could control the flow of electrons to a positively charged plate inside the tube. A zero could then be represented by the absence of an electron current to the plate; the presence of a small but detectable current to the plate represented a one.
In the 1950's two devices would be invented that would improve the computer field and set in motion the beginning of the computer revolution. The first of these two devices was the transistor. Invented in 1947 by William Shockley, John Bardeen, and Walter Brattain of Bell Labs, the transistor was destined to overthrow the days of vacuum tubes in computers, radios, and other electronics. Vacuum tubes were highly inefficient, required a great deal of space, and needed to be replaced often. Computers of the 1940s and 50s had 18,000 tubes in them and housing all these tubes and cooling the rooms from the heat produced by 18,000 tubes was not cheap. The transistor promised to solve all of these problems, but they had their problems too. The main problem, like with other electronic components, was that they needed to be soldered together. As a result, the more complex the circuits became, the more complicated and numerous the connections between the individual transistors and the likelihood of faulty wiring increased.
In 1958, this problem was solved by Jack St. Clair Kilby of Texas Instruments. He manufactured the first integrated circuit or chip. A chip is a collection of tiny transistors which are connected together when the transistor is manufactured. Thus, the need for soldering together large numbers of transistors wasn’t needed, only connections to other electronic components. In addition to saving space, the speed of the machine was now increased since there was a diminished distance that the electrons had to follow.
The 1960s saw large mainframe computers become much more common in large industries and with the US military and space program. IBM became the unquestioned market leader in selling these large, expensive, error-prone, and very hard to use machines.
In the 1950's two devices would be invented that would improve the computer field and set in motion the beginning of the computer revolution. The first of these two devices was the transistor. Invented in 1947 by William Shockley, John Bardeen, and Walter Brattain of Bell Labs, the transistor was destined to overthrow the days of vacuum tubes in computers, radios, and other electronics. Vacuum tubes were highly inefficient, required a great deal of space, and needed to be replaced often. Computers of the 1940s and 50s had 18,000 tubes in them and housing all these tubes and cooling the rooms from the heat produced by 18,000 tubes was not cheap. The transistor promised to solve all of these problems, but they had their problems too. The main problem, like with other electronic components, was that they needed to be soldered together. As a result, the more complex the circuits became, the more complicated and numerous the connections between the individual transistors and the likelihood of faulty wiring increased.
In 1958, this problem was solved by Jack St. Clair Kilby of Texas Instruments. He manufactured the first integrated circuit or chip. A chip is a collection of tiny transistors which are connected together when the transistor is manufactured. Thus, the need for soldering together large numbers of transistors wasn’t needed, only connections to other electronic components. In addition to saving space, the speed of the machine was now increased since there was a diminished distance that the electrons had to follow.
The 1960s saw large mainframe computers become much more common in large industries and with the US military and space program. IBM became the unquestioned market leader in selling these large, expensive, error-prone, and very hard to use machines.
In 1969, work began on the ARPAnet, grandfather to the Internet. Designed as a computer version of the nuclear bomb shelter, ARPAnet protected the flow of information between military installations by creating a network of geographically separated computers that could exchange information via a newly developed protocol called NCP (Network Control Protocol).
One opposing view to ARPAnet's origins comes from Charles M. Herzfeld, the former director of ARPA. He claimed that ARPAnet was not created as a result of a military need, stating "it came out of our frustration that there were only a limited number of large, powerful research computers in the country and that many research investigators who should have access were geographically separated from them." ARPA stands for the Advanced Research Projects Agency, a branch of the military that developed top secret systems and weapons during the Cold War.
Four computers were the first connected in the original ARPAnet. They were located in the respective computer research labs of UCLA, Stanford Research, UC Santa Barbara, and the University of Utah. Under ARPAnet several major innovations occurred: e-mail, the ability to send simple messages to another person across the network (1971); telnet, a remote connection service for controlling a computer (1972); and file transfer protocol (FTP), which allows information to be sent from one computer to another in bulk (1973).
As non-military uses for the network increased, more and more people had access, and it was no longer safe for military purposes. As a result, MILnet, a military only network, was started in 1983. Internet Protocol software was soon being placed on every type of computer, and universities and research groups also began using in-house networks known as Local Area Networks or LAN's. These in-house networks then started using Internet Protocol software so one LAN could connect with other LAN's.
In 1986, one LAN branched out to form a new competing network, called NSFnet (National Science Foundation Network). NSFnet first linked together the five national supercomputer centers, then every major university, and it started to replace the slower ARPAnet (which was finally shutdown in 1990). NSFnet formed the backbone of what we call the Internet today.
"The Internet's pace of adoption eclipses all other technologies that preceded it. Radio was in existence 38 years before 50 million people tuned in; TV took 13 years to reach that benchmark. Sixteen years after the first PC kit came out; 50 million people were using one. Once it was opened to the general public, the Internet crossed that line in four years." Quote from the U.S. Department report; The Emerging Digital Economy.
An explosion of personal computers occurred in the early 1970s, starting with Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak exhibiting the first Apple II at the First West Coast Computer Fair in San Francisco. The Apple II boasted built-in BASIC programming language, color graphics, and a 4100 character memory for only $1298. Programs and data could be stored on an everyday audio-cassette recorder. Before the end of the fair, Wozniak and Jobs had secured 300 orders for the Apple II and from there Apple took off.
Also introduced in 1977 was the TRS-80. This was a home computer manufactured by Tandy Radio Shack. In its second incarnation, the TRS-80 Model II came complete with a 64,000 character memory and a disk drive to store programs and data on. At this time, only Apple and TRS had machines with disk drives. With the introduction of the disk drive, personal computer applications multiplied as floppy disks were the most convenient publishing medium for distribution of software.
IBM, which up to this time had been producing mainframes and minicomputers for medium to large-sized businesses, decided that it had to get into the act and started working on the Acorn, which would later be called the IBM PC. The PC was the first computer designed for the home market which would feature modular design so that pieces could easily be added to the design. Most of the components, surprisingly, came from outside of IBM, since building it with IBM parts would have cost too much for the home computer market. When it was introduced, the PC came with a 16,000 character memory, keyboard from an IBM electric typewriter, and a connection for tape cassette player for $1265.
By 1984, Apple and IBM had come out with new models. Apple released the first generation Macintosh, which was the first computer to come with a graphical user interface (GUI) and a mouse. The GUI made the machine much more attractive to home computer users because it was easy to use. Sales of the Macintosh soared like nothing ever seen before. IBM was hot on Apple's tail and released the 286-AT, which with applications like Lotus 1-2-3, a spreadsheet, and Microsoft Word, quickly became the favorite of business concerns.
That brings us up to about ten years ago. Now people have their own personal graphics workstations and powerful home computers. The average computer a person might have in their home is more enormously powerful than a machine like ENIAC. The computer revolution has been the fastest growing technology in human history.
References:
http://inventors.about.com/library/blcoindex.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_computer_science
http://homepage.cs.uri.edu/faculty/wolfe/book/Readings/Reading03.htm
www.computersciencelab.com/ComputerHistory
www.the-dangers-of-computer-radiation/
http://www.electricsense.com
http://www.safespaceprotection.com/electrostress-from-computers-laptops.aspx
www.markedbyteachers.com
www.computermuseum.li
One opposing view to ARPAnet's origins comes from Charles M. Herzfeld, the former director of ARPA. He claimed that ARPAnet was not created as a result of a military need, stating "it came out of our frustration that there were only a limited number of large, powerful research computers in the country and that many research investigators who should have access were geographically separated from them." ARPA stands for the Advanced Research Projects Agency, a branch of the military that developed top secret systems and weapons during the Cold War.
Four computers were the first connected in the original ARPAnet. They were located in the respective computer research labs of UCLA, Stanford Research, UC Santa Barbara, and the University of Utah. Under ARPAnet several major innovations occurred: e-mail, the ability to send simple messages to another person across the network (1971); telnet, a remote connection service for controlling a computer (1972); and file transfer protocol (FTP), which allows information to be sent from one computer to another in bulk (1973).
As non-military uses for the network increased, more and more people had access, and it was no longer safe for military purposes. As a result, MILnet, a military only network, was started in 1983. Internet Protocol software was soon being placed on every type of computer, and universities and research groups also began using in-house networks known as Local Area Networks or LAN's. These in-house networks then started using Internet Protocol software so one LAN could connect with other LAN's.
In 1986, one LAN branched out to form a new competing network, called NSFnet (National Science Foundation Network). NSFnet first linked together the five national supercomputer centers, then every major university, and it started to replace the slower ARPAnet (which was finally shutdown in 1990). NSFnet formed the backbone of what we call the Internet today.
"The Internet's pace of adoption eclipses all other technologies that preceded it. Radio was in existence 38 years before 50 million people tuned in; TV took 13 years to reach that benchmark. Sixteen years after the first PC kit came out; 50 million people were using one. Once it was opened to the general public, the Internet crossed that line in four years." Quote from the U.S. Department report; The Emerging Digital Economy.
An explosion of personal computers occurred in the early 1970s, starting with Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak exhibiting the first Apple II at the First West Coast Computer Fair in San Francisco. The Apple II boasted built-in BASIC programming language, color graphics, and a 4100 character memory for only $1298. Programs and data could be stored on an everyday audio-cassette recorder. Before the end of the fair, Wozniak and Jobs had secured 300 orders for the Apple II and from there Apple took off.
Also introduced in 1977 was the TRS-80. This was a home computer manufactured by Tandy Radio Shack. In its second incarnation, the TRS-80 Model II came complete with a 64,000 character memory and a disk drive to store programs and data on. At this time, only Apple and TRS had machines with disk drives. With the introduction of the disk drive, personal computer applications multiplied as floppy disks were the most convenient publishing medium for distribution of software.
IBM, which up to this time had been producing mainframes and minicomputers for medium to large-sized businesses, decided that it had to get into the act and started working on the Acorn, which would later be called the IBM PC. The PC was the first computer designed for the home market which would feature modular design so that pieces could easily be added to the design. Most of the components, surprisingly, came from outside of IBM, since building it with IBM parts would have cost too much for the home computer market. When it was introduced, the PC came with a 16,000 character memory, keyboard from an IBM electric typewriter, and a connection for tape cassette player for $1265.
By 1984, Apple and IBM had come out with new models. Apple released the first generation Macintosh, which was the first computer to come with a graphical user interface (GUI) and a mouse. The GUI made the machine much more attractive to home computer users because it was easy to use. Sales of the Macintosh soared like nothing ever seen before. IBM was hot on Apple's tail and released the 286-AT, which with applications like Lotus 1-2-3, a spreadsheet, and Microsoft Word, quickly became the favorite of business concerns.
That brings us up to about ten years ago. Now people have their own personal graphics workstations and powerful home computers. The average computer a person might have in their home is more enormously powerful than a machine like ENIAC. The computer revolution has been the fastest growing technology in human history.
References:
http://inventors.about.com/library/blcoindex.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_computer_science
http://homepage.cs.uri.edu/faculty/wolfe/book/Readings/Reading03.htm
www.computersciencelab.com/ComputerHistory
www.the-dangers-of-computer-radiation/
http://www.electricsense.com
http://www.safespaceprotection.com/electrostress-from-computers-laptops.aspx
www.markedbyteachers.com
www.computermuseum.li
Commentary:
The proving was intense and complicated. It began lightheartedly with joking and giggling, but soon turned chaotic. There were many conversations going on at the same time with talk of drug addiction, ship-wrecks, attacking animals, government conspiracies, religion and spirituality. One prover had commented that she had difficulty with the intensity and had to “step out of the field”.
The next 14 days were no less powerful. Within days one prover came down with pneumonia and ended up in the ER, two others with symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Many of the provers were experiencing strong symptoms of addiction, gender confusion, irritability and despair.
The provers felt the anguish of having no self-definition. They did not have strong identities or a sense of who they were. “Maybe I am a boy?”. There was an awareness of wanting to create an identity. There was a feeling of confusion and despair and they were driven back to a time when they were struggling to discover themselves; a time when they were self-medicating with drugs, sex and alcohol. “Who am I and why am I this way?” In this state there can be a quality of self-indulgence and narcissism, always craving something, always looking for an elusive answer to why they are suffering. Searching is an important part of this remedy.
Utilizing the internet you can be anything you want to be. You can create an alter ego, an avatar; you can be a super hero, or a gangster, a solider, a spy, a best friend, or a lover. You can stalk a person undetected, gain a child’s trust with lies, steal someone else’s identity or search endlessly about the meaning of life. Unfortunately, in the end, there is always despair, living vicariously, no real answers, no real contact, never really manifesting one’s life.
It was interesting to see the theme of Hitler and World War II manifest in the proving, because of the strong connection of the development of the computer to Nazi Germany and the military in general, but also the infamous connection of IBM and Nazi Germany. In the book IBM and the Holocaust, The Strategic Alliance between Nazi Germany and America's Most Powerful Corporation, author Edwin Black recounts the direct involvement of IBM with the Nazi’s in WWII.
"Mankind barely noticed when the concept of massively organized information quietly emerged to become a means of social control, a weapon of war, and a roadmap for group destruction.... Hitler and his hatred of the Jews was the ironic driving force behind this intellectual turning point. But his quest was greatly enhanced and energized by the ingenuity and craving for profit of a single American company and its legendary, autocratic chairman. That company was International Business Machines, and its chairman was Thomas J. Watson."
This theme represented some of the darkest parts of this remedy.
Another fascinating theme for me was “Grey”. In a strong case of computer emanation the patient declared that everything he experienced “were in shades of grey”. Nothing was an absolute, everything was endless.
Something that did not show up in the proving directly, but ended up being very strong for this remedy, was procrastination and resistance. Collating the symptoms seemed too vast an undertaking and every time each prover would begin their collation they once again entered the proving. Many of them told me they just did not want to experience it any more. It took the provers 10 months and 2 extractions to collate their individual provings and it took my assistant and me another 4 months to finish the research and master collation!
The proving was conducted in April of 2012 at the Baylight School of Homeopathy in Portland Maine. There were 6 female provers. The Emanation was collected by Erica McPhee, a web designer, by taping pellets of milk sugar on the monitor of an HP computer for a year and a half.
The proving was intense and complicated. It began lightheartedly with joking and giggling, but soon turned chaotic. There were many conversations going on at the same time with talk of drug addiction, ship-wrecks, attacking animals, government conspiracies, religion and spirituality. One prover had commented that she had difficulty with the intensity and had to “step out of the field”.
The next 14 days were no less powerful. Within days one prover came down with pneumonia and ended up in the ER, two others with symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Many of the provers were experiencing strong symptoms of addiction, gender confusion, irritability and despair.
The provers felt the anguish of having no self-definition. They did not have strong identities or a sense of who they were. “Maybe I am a boy?”. There was an awareness of wanting to create an identity. There was a feeling of confusion and despair and they were driven back to a time when they were struggling to discover themselves; a time when they were self-medicating with drugs, sex and alcohol. “Who am I and why am I this way?” In this state there can be a quality of self-indulgence and narcissism, always craving something, always looking for an elusive answer to why they are suffering. Searching is an important part of this remedy.
Utilizing the internet you can be anything you want to be. You can create an alter ego, an avatar; you can be a super hero, or a gangster, a solider, a spy, a best friend, or a lover. You can stalk a person undetected, gain a child’s trust with lies, steal someone else’s identity or search endlessly about the meaning of life. Unfortunately, in the end, there is always despair, living vicariously, no real answers, no real contact, never really manifesting one’s life.
It was interesting to see the theme of Hitler and World War II manifest in the proving, because of the strong connection of the development of the computer to Nazi Germany and the military in general, but also the infamous connection of IBM and Nazi Germany. In the book IBM and the Holocaust, The Strategic Alliance between Nazi Germany and America's Most Powerful Corporation, author Edwin Black recounts the direct involvement of IBM with the Nazi’s in WWII.
"Mankind barely noticed when the concept of massively organized information quietly emerged to become a means of social control, a weapon of war, and a roadmap for group destruction.... Hitler and his hatred of the Jews was the ironic driving force behind this intellectual turning point. But his quest was greatly enhanced and energized by the ingenuity and craving for profit of a single American company and its legendary, autocratic chairman. That company was International Business Machines, and its chairman was Thomas J. Watson."
This theme represented some of the darkest parts of this remedy.
Another fascinating theme for me was “Grey”. In a strong case of computer emanation the patient declared that everything he experienced “were in shades of grey”. Nothing was an absolute, everything was endless.
Something that did not show up in the proving directly, but ended up being very strong for this remedy, was procrastination and resistance. Collating the symptoms seemed too vast an undertaking and every time each prover would begin their collation they once again entered the proving. Many of them told me they just did not want to experience it any more. It took the provers 10 months and 2 extractions to collate their individual provings and it took my assistant and me another 4 months to finish the research and master collation!
The proving was conducted in April of 2012 at the Baylight School of Homeopathy in Portland Maine. There were 6 female provers. The Emanation was collected by Erica McPhee, a web designer, by taping pellets of milk sugar on the monitor of an HP computer for a year and a half.
Proving:
M/E
Food, Alcohol, Drugs, Sex
1:C1 Hungry
1:C1 I can process pot food, it turns me into a terrible person.
1:C1 All I can think about is dad and how he denied smoking pot. “I worked too hard to smoke pot”.
3:C1 Feels like being stoned, totally like being stoned. High.
4:C1 We’re all stoned.(smiling)
5:C1 Yeah, fuzzy relaxed. She was like that outside. “I feel high.” What did we talk about? I am hungry. My father smoked pot at my wedding and my father is a straight laced engineer.
1:C2 4/20 is also Hitler’s birthday and how weird is that, everyone is celebrating it. [April 20 is embraced by pot smokers around the world as "weed day" each year.]
1:C2 I went to see Vanessa and she was telling me about this kid who was great and I was going to fall for him and (put hand up) I’m like, no, I don’t need that. A cop pulled him over and got his license and realized he had pulled him over in the past. Cop asked “when last time pot was smoked in the car?” He responded I don’t know. Cop told him to get out of the car he said, NO and rolled up his window. He called 911 told that he was being harassed by cops, cop comes over and smashes the window out and dragged him out of the car, he’s funny, he thinks he has rights.”
1:C2 These chips are great – arent’ they the most wonderful thing you’ve ever had?
2:C2 Talking about pot a lot. Craving something salty.
5:C2 Something will happen. I feel like I am about to go skydiving something thrilling can happen at any moment.
5:C2 When I lived in Africa drums at night telling stories. 6 months in Sierra Leone, Ghana, Nigeria, probably not very safe. I was 21 and I didn't care. Smoke some pot down there.
6:C2 It is Xmas and I have one night to spend with my friend and her mom has been taking to eating pot brownies. So I ate one and I was the only one and the only thing I could think of was I could only see everyone’s’ pain and suffering and it was Xmas. I was like ripping these people apart it was the worse sad view. It was not the fun part of pot.
5:C2 I had a brownie in Africa and it was so strong and I was so sick and I had to lay down to stop spinning
1:C2 I cannot process pot.
1:C2 I cannot wait for the next 14 days. We are all really, really high and then …..
6:C2 I will tell you a good story I am in the Morocco. We are getting lead in to the Casabah and these young boys were leading us and taking out baggage and I am like paranoid. It is really creepy and we go to this bar and there are these big guys and they look really scary. Then we are smoking hash and then they try to sell it to us and we are no, no we do not want it and they drew out this huge knife and stab it into the hash. We finally get out of there and we think we found our hotel and it isn’t and then we went to another hotel and it was horrible. The next day we saw the guy at the market and he was laughing at us. Moral of the story; do not go to morocco and smoke hash.
5:C2 I have the feeling like……I took ecstasy a couple of times and I was in nature and I was like there is no boundaries and I feel like I could do that. I can go there. But I am like toning it down. I feel like I can dominate the conversation and comment on everyone and I can say this about that, but I do not want to be obnoxious.
5:C2 Like ACID like being one with god at the end.
3:C3 This is more intense for me than pot. Like acid. That was a really weird trip. (Eating apple) The apple tastes very different. This is one weird trip.
3:C3 (Chatting about LSD)
6:C3 Remembered driving with really drunk friend (in Sedona) and wanted my boyfriend to say we shouldn’t have let that drunk friend drive, but we didn’t say anything.
5:TE Being in the proving circle was very much like being with a group of friends in the 70's...smoking pot, drinking, hanging out, etc. One was never alone and in a sort of undifferentiated state of bliss. When I left the proving I did not want to go home and be alone...did not want to separate out of this connected bliss state. So, I went down to the beach on Peaks Island and there was a group of random friends having a bonfire. There was beer and pot and it was just so reminiscent of those floaty hippie days....in this state there is no anxiety.
6:TE On way home, saw license plate RUBUS like Robis (an old pot dealer’s name), then another plate said PDL4GOD.
6:TE On my run in the evening, burning in throat like too much hot cigarette smoke (I’m not a smoker anymore).
6:TE Smelling smoke, incense/sage in bed reading.
1:1 (Sex addict and in SAA) Had a relapse today and felt no guilt. That has never happened before. Not worried, not attached to the program at all, it’s just not for me, but it’s cool that there is no guilt. I am over the guilt.
3:1 Felt again today the weirdness of it, thoughts racing along, small, a little revved. On a scale of intensity, yesterday was an 8, today a 4. Familiar to yesterday; a little revved. Thoughts I haven’t had for twenty years since doing drugs. Peeling layers off, like onions - like coming off drugs – from that state to ‘normal’. Functional but not feeling like me. Surprised at the intensity of it. Revisiting a long time ago in my life. There’s a familiarity to it, watching the flipping out of it (the others triturating). Very strange.
5:1 I am wanting a beer.
1:2 Really hungry, ate all day.
1:2 Not going to do the SAA program anymore. I feel like, ahh, whatever. Carefree. I quit the program yesterday. I don’t’ feel woo-hoo, but I do feel glad that I don’t have to deal with guilt and Jesus texts.
1:2 I am having food craving, salt and sugar alternating. Salty then sweet. Made myself eat salad today. I ate so much I couldn’t believe it.
3:2 Reflecting around the time of college when doing recreational drugs. Have not thought of it in a long time.
3:2 Feeling jittery at end of day. When my husband came home, I told him. He suggested having some alcohol, like a glass of wine. Very unusual for us to drink alcohol, do not drink but rarely. There was no wine in the house. There was some vodka left from making tinctures. He made us each a drink. It was a nice thing. Calming. It’s very unusual for us to have a drink.
5:2 I am craving salty food
1:3 Bought a slush puppy because I hadn’t had one in ten years.
1:3 Appetite was more normal. Hungry because I haven’t eaten, but I didn’t shove my face like I did yesterday.
1:4 Feeling guilty about relapse for the first time.
5:4 I feel agitation; cranking as though the bottom is being churned and I am hurtling through space on an out of control roller coaster. I feel dizzy frightened, breathless, frightened and weak as though I am going insane. I feel as though I am “riding the tail of the dragon”.
1:5 Found out last night that I cannot tolerate alcohol on this remedy, I had a little bit (two shots) and got drunk’ that is unusual for me. Kept talking in a drunken stupor about how I wanted to be a boy. That it was a joke that I was born a woman.Gods joke on me. Pissed about it. My friends were all laughing at me.
6:4 Dream- I invite a patient to my house when she arrives she says she’d been run “off the road” but it was being run onto the road. I wonder why I invited her, as it’s not appropriate. We are eating Chinese food (supposedly in China but no Chinese people or unusual/strange foods.) I ate more than others and it was noticeably expensive, they said as you get healthier you eat less. I am in a row facing my husband and all of the sudden they build a wall between us and I am looking around for how it got there. Something about food being paper, like a note stuck on this wall (and it was the food). Sort of debaucherous tone in dream.
6:5 Looking at men and being attracted to them.
6:6 Dream- I am looking out my window and right there I see a boat that is already sinking and it capsizes and sinks quickly and 20-30 people bob to the surface like they’ve been spilled out. I called to my husband to quick get the cell phone and call 911. We are following the river downstream, a little ways down a fence juts out into river and 3-5 people have gotten on a pallet raft and have rescued themselves. Just past that it’s very fast moving current to open ocean. The path by river is uneven dark stones, a guy asks me if I want to buy or if I have an ounce of pot I assume and I sneer at him incredulously (my vocabulary is noticeably improved on this remedy.) My husband and I are on our way to a house we’ve stayed at before but don’t have directions to. We “will” ourselves there somehow. When we get there there’s an old Native American healer man with bad teeth, maybe turquoise tooth on bottom or some artificial tool implant. He comes over to me and take my L wrist almost feeling up the radial side 6 inches for a pulse but not quite taking it and says “yes, you are a leader.” Later back by the path by the river, people are aware of the sinking ship. There’s the feeling of a calamity.
6:8 I’m babysitting two kids in a hospital ward. I see there are only two beds then I look back and there’s a third one, for we are right inside the door. I’m getting changed for bed all of the sudden I’m naked and a man pats me on the ass as if to remind me I’m naked. I go to class next morning.
5:9 Took half a Klonopin desire for sleep and end of anxiety. Seems it pushed anxiety onto my daughter, I must quit alcohol.
6:9 I feel like having sex (not usually like this.)
1:10 Continuing to have sex with friend even though I don’t feel completely good about it. Having sex with more than one person.
6:10 I would fuck anyone if I were single. Love cute guys today.
1:11 Woke up feeling hung over, but didn’t drink.
2:11 Feel the stress like I used to 3 ½ years ago when I used to drink. I’m now in recovery. Holy moly, Holy moly. Having a hard time keeping it together.
1:12 I had some bad dreams I had one where mom was drinking again we were all hanging out the bar and we couldn’t believe she was drinking. She was so upset when she realized she’d have to start all over again she left and locked herself in her car and drove across three lanes of traffic and into a tree. Watched the whole thing from the bar window without being able to stop it. I remember screaming and screaming.
3:12 For some reason I didn’t think this would go THERE (to a drug related type experience). Experience was scary. That was an unexpected experience. Took me a week to put in perspective, to get back to the same feelings, back to my daily kind of context. That was probably the end for me, a week later. Still working out the feelings that came up in my daily life – something would happen that would bring me back to that previous time, that time of the trituration.
6:13 Terribly guilty feeling after networking meeting with older man last night, no sexual overtones were present, but very peculiar. Feeling as though I’m having an affair.
5:14 Dream that I am on a boat trying to figure out if I have enough ground beef for all the children. Looking for a beer. A beautiful luxury boat with lots of people goes by. I wonder what it would be like to be floating all alone on that boat. It disappears from view behind some trees and I see flames, it is burning then it floats into view and it is a smoldering pile of ashes and debris.
Transgender
1:4 I hate myself. I feel like a joke. I’m ugly. I was born the wrong gender. I want a girlfriend. This makes me want to die. I was born into the wrong body.
1:5 Found out last night that I cannot tolerate alcohol on this remedy, I had a little bit (two shots) and got drunk that is unusual for me. Kept talking in a drunken stupor how I wanted to be a boy. That it was a joke that I was born a woman. Gods joke on me. Pissed about it. My friends were all laughing at me.
1:13 Hating myself as a woman. Feel like I want to tape down my boobs and dress like a man. Went to a concert dressed like a boy so they would mosh with me as rough as they would a guy.
1:Extraction I realized that transgender was part of the remedy. I had no idea this aspect of myself was even part of the proving. I got so caught up in it. What a relief!
Infection/ Illness/ Bug Bites/ Worms
1:C1 I can hear that, it sounds like pine borers.
1:C1 I thought of a way to solve a Japanese beetles problem – I am going to vacuum the trees. That will solve everything. With a shop vac.”
1:C1 “newbee keepers” (laughter)
1:C1 Green mile – when he would go to heal people and all the bees would come out of his mouth.
3:C1 Do bees over winter in Virginia?
4:C1 I was taking my dog for a walk and heard bees buzzing all over the trunks of apple trees. My husband said, go catch them. The bees are very calm. The bees swarmed again. My husband put them in a hive. Eventually we’ll have honey. We’re new bee keepers. It can get as warm as 90 degrees. We’d have a floor of bees in our chicken coop. I’m not a bug lover, but they are very calm. My husband flew with a guy who took a teddy bear across country. He was doing it for his kid. (laughing)
6: C2 As a kid there was this thing about moles that can turn into spiders.
6:C2 A worm in your foot we cannot figure out why it is in there. She went to the ER and had this big creepy worm her my foot.
5:C2 There is one kind of worm you can get in your feet
1:C2 The painters told me a way to get rid of moths or bees, clear a spot near the nest and torch it at night and they come out to go after light and burn up.
6:C2 You can put a flash light up to your ear and a bug will come out. Or pour beer in the ear and it gets it drunk and stops flitting around so you can get it out.
1:C2 I had a dream that so freaked me out – I had all these zits that I was trying to pop and as I squeezed them worms came out. It was so freaky.
2:C2 Conversation of being invaded by bugs again.
5:C2 Ship going down -typhoid miasma
3:C3 Cats don’t get Lyme disease.
2:4 Pain and diarrhea. Frequent.
4:4: Sick with fever, “really bad” chills, headache, body aches all over body, couldn’t get comfortable, did not go to work, just want to lay on couch
2:5 Loose stools, frequent, pain.
4:5: Sick with chills, bone aches, and fever 101-102 degrees even after taking Tylenol and Advil. 2 doses of Eupatorium taken 1 hour apart with no improvement. No respiratory cold symptoms.
1:6 I thought a few days ago I was getting a sinus infection, it’s turning into a cold. My nose burns, I can hardly hear out of my ears, they feel all stuffy. I can feel it in my chest, it’s moving into my chest now.
2:6 Pain, cramping, diarrhea, frequent.
5:6 Ringing and buzzing in ears continues
6:6 Found tick on right shin in bathtub, probably had been on me for 5-8 hours. Not engorged. I feel freaked out, but feel risk of getting Lyme is low, I saved the tick.
2:7 Thinking it is the cream in my coffee that is causing the IBS.
4:7 Fever went up to 104 degrees. Felt really hot. Started a cough. Went to ER and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Taking two antibiotics.
1:8 Very sick, very weak, lungs hurt, can’t hear well.
2:10 Sharp burn pain, stool loose, and frequent, filling toilet with small soft bowel at least three times in the am.
1:11 I am still sick, getting better. I had nausea today, that sucked, severe nausea. I’ve had IBS symptoms since the I took the remedy.
2:11 Worse in morning, frequent, bowel floats, small and plentiful.
4:11 Still sick with cough and fatigue.
1:12 Cold is much better, still get a scratchy throat.
1:12 Having IBS 5-6 days. Diarrhea. Never had an episode like that before.
2:12 Horrible all day.
2:13 IBS continues
2:14 IBS continues
Irritability/Anger/Depression/Despair
1:C1 You are really annoying (to #2), yelling at 2 – really??, I love you! (Sarcasm)
1:C3 Ashamed, guilty, upset, no energy, drained, depressed, envy for travel.
2:C1 Annoyed with the scraping of the bowl but still smiling.
2:C2 Anxious/ obsessing/depressed.
3:C2 This definitely has a lot of ups and downs.
3:C2 Bored. Wants to go outside.
4:C2 I get mad when I hear the news. It’s all bad news.
6:TE Feel husband is being passively aggressively contrary and uncaring and ignores me and tolerates me and thinks the proving is a bunch of nothing. I’m annoyed at him.
1:1 Today I felt like if something bad happened, or didn’t’ go the way I expected or if I got called out on something, it was like a blow to my soul. I feel so ashamed, like I should leave.
1:1 After disappointment I entered a “sad fog”
3:1 Did not welcome the intensity of the trituration.
6:1 I feel like my face looks like I’m far away and I have endured long standing grief.
1:2 I wasn’t around people all day. I hate being inside. I feel trapped inside.
4:2 It took me 13 hours to get home. I was frustrated. I was worried about getting home.
5:2 Feel a ball of agitated energy stuck in my solar Plexus.
6:2 This morning I am not irate at my husband, snuggled him a bit before getting up. But would be happier if I didn’t have to talk to him before I leave in an hour and a half. I was furious last night, all old deep issues between us. But couldn’t talk about, be constructive at all.
6:2 Husband- there’s a sense which scares me that I could do this alone, I don’t need him. Now it’s the feeling of being able to shut down my love and stop being connected, like I did with my ex-boyfriend- just turn off my feelings. This feels unhealthy/violent/severe.
1:3 Able to put on a great mask on for my sadness.
3:3 This has been affecting me with dreams. Do not remember ever remembering more than two seconds of dreams, and then to be having them successively and with such potency. The dreams seem to be somehow negative and somehow related. Last night’s was pretty disturbing – the most disturbing.
5:3 Bodily agitations as though my body is too dry and fragmented to allow this enormous energy to flow. It feels like a spigot that is rusted shut.
1:4 Really really rough, really depressed. I’m at that stage right now where I am feeling guilty, low and depressed. This remedy really exaggerates emotions and that doesn’t help. I’m not okay. I'm very depressed, antsy, feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I’m trapped in my own body. I want to cry. This is not a good feeling.
1:4 Collected pansies today to cure my broken heart.
1:4 I hate myself. I feel like a joke. I’m ugly. I was born the wrong gender. I want a girlfriend. This makes me want to die. I was born into the wrong body.
5:4 Agitation is ratcheting up many notches.
1:5 Crying. I don’t know if it’s just the remedy, I don’t know anymore. Just having a rough one. I don’t know how to explain it. I am just really, really depressed and I feel alone and empty and trapped. And I feel like there is a hole in my heart.
2:5 Anxious waiting for the ball to drop.
1:6 Didn’t call H. It feels like a pain in the ass. I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in life. I feel like I’m off path. Lost. I go to bed and I can’t control it. I get extremely sad and depressed and lonely. Can’t wait for this to be over.
4:6 I’ve been feeling too bad for too long. Sunday I was anxious waiting for my flight. I was thinking about arranging for someone to come over (to help if I couldn’t get home). Discouraged.
1:7 4pm hits and I just spiral downhill into depression and it just sucks. 10th day of work straight. I have tomorrow off. That’s the pattern. The day starts and I feel great and be all happy and then afternoon comes and I just feel like shit.
4:7 I wanted to cry.
5:8 I read a quote from holocaust writer “you have to have aggression bred in your bones to find ways around or under or thru it. “Ellen Feldman” I am thinking about ways that we are oppressed/ suppressed about how the wiring of our nervous systems for survival lead us into shut down mode VS evolution mode. The book that this quote is taken from is about post WWII 1950’s and how 3 families coped with post trauma, played by the rules and broke free or not.
I am pondering the fear that feels like a bubble rising, wanting to be fee of tyranny and oppression, I am feeling trapped and desperate. I am feeling jolts of electrical energy / adrenaline fear surges. I am reading about eco psychology and the collapse of the modern world and purification and restoration of the sacred and the exiled indigenous earth energies.
1:9 The depression is not as bad, which is refreshing. It was really kicking my butt.
2:9 Husband came home and blew my peace of mind to hell with a bill.
5:9 Fears of losing my job surface. I have feelings of isolation.
1:10 Feeling “over it”, like, I don’t’ really want to keep checking in, lazy about writing in my journal. I am still really depressed and just don’t’ want to do this anymore.
1:10 Feeling really short and frustrated with the kids at work still. Tired. Same shit, different day, like there is too much going on, I work too much.
2:10 Extremely frustrated to the point of my forehead itching. Its been another bad Monday! I don’t normally have bad days! Ahhh!
1:11 . I just dropped the dogs off at my exes. He really misses them, I probably shouldn’t, but I went and dropped them off. I handled myself pretty well. It’s the only thing that makes him happy. He was really upset and crying. I’m a little down now.
2:11 Easily frustrated, angry.
4:11 Doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Frustrated, angry, grumpy.
5:11 Based on the fear of losing my job. Feel like I am in an airplane that is in a free fall spin, but the engine is stalled. Lots of panic, don’t know whether to bail in a parachute. I keep trying to start or re-say my prayers as we crash. Reminds me of John Kennedy Jr. Then it made me think about the survival of the fittest. Wondering if I will survive. My mind is spinning like the free falling plane. Will I survive the evolutionary thrust?
1:12 Still going on with patterns of good morning then around 4 and get nasty and either really depressed or angry or anxious. It’s been like that for a week or so.
1:12 I had an angry spell yesterday. The kids were pushing my buttons and I yelled at them which I had never done. Mom sends me confusing emails and they expect me to get back to them right away. I was trying to focus and understand and I couldn’t’ concentrate. The kids were screaming and not listening. This was around 4, so that makes sense.
2:12 Easily frustrated, angry
3:12 All my dreams were about stuff that didn’t end particularly well.
1:13 Hating myself as a woman. Feel like I want to tape down my boobs and dress like a man. Went to a concert dressed like a boy so they would mosh with me as rough as they would a guy.
2:13 Frustrated, Emotional-stressed out unhappy, anxious.
4:13 Does not want to follow up with doctor because of fear of doctor finding problems with test results/health. Mother died of heart disease and was on dialysis, went downhill and died after tests were done by doctor.
1:14 No contact with H. Ready for this to be done. Angry, depressed, Done. I’ve been extremely empathetic about death. Feel it even when its no one I know. Takes over me. Also started cutting again.
2:14 Frustrated, irritated.
2:14 Easily frustrated, irritated, angry.
1:14 No contact with H. Extremely Depressed. Can’t wait for the extraction. Feel like I don’t want anyone to know how bad I am which is why I’ve made no contact. I haven’t even wanted to write it down. I don’t want it to be real.
2:14 I’m ugly on the inside and the outside. “I’m mean. I’m not nice to others. What the Fuck! And now I’m sad. I don’t want to be this way. I know it’s the proving, but no one else knows that it is.”
5.14 Awaken with a jolt; agitation, prickly, electric, agitation like a suppressed howl. Feeling terror of poverty and not being able to cope.
Hiding/Secret/ Holding Back/Truth/Revealing
6:TE Very articulate in talking with a mom about whether to give a remedy. Handled her concerns expertly, confidently reassured her that her son was doing it well and complimented his body’s responses. Felt good/experienced. The remedy I gave was indicated for a secret cause that the mom doesn’t know, but I know about.
1:C2 There is a box spring gun safe where you can hide like 75 guns.
6:C2 I have something so great and fun to offer, but they aren’t asking.
1:1 I normally wear my emotions on my sleeve and today I could cover them up and act like things were okay, laugh and joke. I really liked that feeling, that ability to cover up what I was feeling.
6:1 I feel I could be really honest with my husband about how our relationship feels to me, to face the truth because it’s the only thing that is starkly real.
3:2 Dream: Visiting Saratoga Springs for a few months. I was pregnant. And kind of being quiet about it, lying and saying I would be in Maine for a home birth. (This actually happened, 10 years ago, with first child. Illegal to have a home birth in Saratoga Springs., which she did.
1:3 Able to put on a great mask for my sadness
3:3 Dreamed I was driving station wagon type car, boxy car, in a urban area, there were sidewalks and I hit someone, a woman I didn’t know, between the sidewalk and car. Felt really bad, thinking “Oh my god.” I didn’t get out of car. This was odd for behavior for me. Someone went to the person who was hurt. No one was paying any attention to me and I had this thought that I could just drive away. But then a policeman knocked on the window, saying, “Get out of the car.” Felt this feeling of, “Oh shit.” And then I got out and there was blood all over the car.
6:5 White elephant conversations with husband, feeling of we might as well just say the truth. Deep truth telling without anger. I can smell rotted meat, but my husband can’t.
6:7 I just said SWORN TO SECRECY- regarding my sister’s ideas for starting a meringue baking business from home. Also secret stuff with friends triangle of secrets.
2:14 I don’t want to be this way/holding back emotions trying to keep false front.
Spirituality/Spiritual Crisis
5:C2 I’ve already started. I know what this is about ratna, pointing to bright yellow forsythia, in the ratna room at Karma Choling it was manic.
5:C3 First communion 3 days at Catholic school-went to the next day to first communion -had wrong dress from public schools had eaten before communion, mom didn’t take me or tell me what to wear.
1:13 Spiritual crisis day. I’ll write more about it later.
2:1 Very spiritual/ very creative/connected to source/ spiritually high as a kite.
2:2 Spiritual creative connected to source, created a lodge pole for the sweat lodge with 4 woven spider webs in-between the gaps of the branches, elk bones, and feathers.
5:4 E-mail form H. saying that we are collectively standing before a great storm and the birthing of this tempest is the very heart of the cosmos. And is nothing less than the harbinger of immense change. Do not fear its intensity, embrace it and ride it to the heights of your own consciousness. By doing so you will, become a light to yourself and each other.
2:5 Didn’t meditate this morning.
2:6 Connected to the source.
5:7 Life as a haiku.
2:8 Spiritual connected.
2:9 Working a little harder to stay spiritually connected, we did a sweat lodge and and smudged. Hope the smudge didn’t antidote the remedy.
5.10 Thinking about eco psychology. Permaculture and sustainability; mind as eco system related to its environment “no-till eco therapy” means being still with one’s feelings. Faith - willingness to open to whatever arises in our experience.
5:12 Stalled on the edge emptiness. The body as a portal into infinity. I wish space felt like home.
2:14 Not connected to source.
5:14 Howling on the edge of evolution with the question will I make the cut in the selection of the species, the culling of the herd. Feeling the vulnerability at the edge of this natural selection process; like grade school and being the last picked for the team.
2:14 Stressed out/ no longer in the light/ no longer in the love/ I’m mean I’m not nice to others/ I’m disconnected to the universe.
5:14 Howling on the edge of evolution or extinction. Howling on a curb, a mother who can’t hold her baby and make her safe or hold onto herself.
2:15 S. could I tell you something? Rereading these notes I realized how spiritually connected and centered I was feeling before the proving and how disconnected I was on day 15.
Communication/Connection/Groups
1:C1 Concentrating on grinding really intently. Serious. Not participating in the conversation. Really focused on triturating. Grinding every part, pays attention to ensure grinding every aspect.
1:C1 Tribal living.
5:C1 The necklaces; S. and N’s necklaces are the same. It’s a way to stay connected.
1:C3 I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way as they do. Am I making this all up? I don’t feel community. I did at first but now I feel unbelievably isolated. Like I've been shamed and ostracized even.
5:C3 Remedy about community.
5:C3 Don’t want to go home and be with my daughter alone. Want to be in community.
5:C3 I miss those days living with a bunch of other people more flowing people around.
5:C3 I have a friend who is going to build addition to have others live with. If my mother did that I would kill her.
5:C3 Feel like laying a hammock , a circle of hammocks so we could still talk.
5:TE Being in the proving circle was very much like being with a group of friends in the 70's...smoking pot, drinking, hanging out, etc. One was never alone and in a sort of undifferentiated state of bliss. When I left the proving I did not want to go home and be alone...did not want to separate out of this connected bliss state. So, I went down to the beach on Peaks Island and there was a group of random friends having a bonfire. There was beer and pot and it was just so reminiscent of those floaty hippie days....in this state there is no anxiety, which came later on in the proving process.
3:C1 We crave it; something more than the ‘nuclear family’, and its loneliness.
6:C1 I feel like I’m dominating the conversation.
6:C1 I have something to say on every subject.
6:C1 I feel I should stop myself from over-talking.
6:C3 Feeling of group of individuals that don’t want to be a group, they want to stay separate.
6:C3 They don’t respond to my smiling.
6:C3 People don’t get my jokes, they don’t laugh with me, I feel sad.
6:C3 I don’t care about connecting with them because they don’t try to connect with me.
6:C3 I am finished, I want to get away from these people. They are not my group. They don’t make a community with me.
6:TE Saw an ant colony and though it was nice, looked jovular (I wrote this word but I don’t think it’s a real word, but I think the word I mean is jocular meaning fun and community feeling)
6:TE Sensitive to husband not saying hi to me coming in from my run.
6:1 Woke from dream- many people in close proximity in my dream. I am at a market inside, looking for stickers. We are waiting to meet a group of people maybe my husband’s family. I mistake another blonde young man for him (husband) and sort of say “hey!” and then “oh sorry, I don’t know you.” I hope to see my old boyfriend in the crowd of friends – run into but he’s not there and I’m disappointed (not a new theme.) Market was cluttered, a bit like a flea market. The groups we were waiting to meet had 5-8 people (one was family I think and one was friends.) At one point there’s water on the ground and I seem to want to avoid stepping in it and I don’t have to somehow. There was a sense of togetherness, groupness, moving as part of a group.
6:1 Terrible feeling when looking into someone’s face that they will not smile at you.
6:3 Day time, I feel great I have great rapport with my patients, GREAT communication I was being very funny with my patients.
1:4 Just feeling isolated and alone and it was rough.
2:4 New iphone. Stayed up 6 hours till midnight trying to get it all working. It didn’t. Amazing thing about this was that I didn’t loose my marbles trying to figure it out like I usually would. Only slept 4 hours had a hard time falling asleep.
2:5 Day in chaos, unorganized, Couldn’t find bosses credit card “Went to AT & T fixed my new phone in two seconds. Obviously I’m obsessing. New phone is putting me into a faster pace. My insides are slow but not as fast as what’s going on on the outside. I’m letting the email messages build up so I can work. I can’t work its all about the phone.” Went to bed early. Slept great.
1:14 No contact. Ready for this to be done. Angry, depressed, Done.
Hitler/Survival/Torture/Bunkers/Barracks
1:C1 4/20 is also Hitler’s birthday and how weird is that, everyone is celebrating it. [April 20 is embraced by pot smokers around the world as "weed day" each year.]
1:1 Dreamt that someone was cutting my toenails with a torture device. I was scared and resisted, but was forced into it. This device looked like it would rip your toenails off. A 5 inch metal handle, with two jagged metal blades that clamp down and pull off the nail. Terrifying feeling.
1:1 There was a lot of brainwashing talk today.
3:1 Round roof, being chased, chasing something urgent. Mosque-like (roof) but flatter, (with) wooden roof tiles. Like a barracks
5.1 Dream of family of origin splintering- Holocaust connections.
2:3 Dreamed I was helping in a brutal murder investigation where a man put a woman in a chipper and put the remains in a sand pile. I and other volunteers had to sort through the sand to get every partial of remains. We were in a camp bungalow small place with windows and screens all around. We took a break and then all of a sudden a big black bear came to a window with screen so when the bear moved from window to window trying to get in we shut the screens. Some how the bear came in and he was smelling all of us (there was only 3 of us). Anyway, the bear layed down on the floor. I was trying to call 911 but was having a hard time dialing and then I woke up.
6:3 Woke from dream- I work at a place, there’s stress forgetting things wrong (not like my real work), there is snow melting on the floor inside from things we bring inside like boots, we go to a bookstore, wait nervously in a line a speak to Hitler (he didn’t have a mustache) who is trying to be strict and limit us, the expectation is that we listen to him. But I say No, we aren’t going to do that and I give the reasons why it’s not reasonable to forbid us, after 1-2 things like that I have him laughing. Smiling disarmed and we are on our merry way having stood up and gotten what we wanted. I am surprised I would do this courageous thing in the dream. Coming out of Hitler bookstore there are babies all over the floor. (Last night before bed I was looking a pictures of my folks before I was born and also lots of baby pictures of me, I thought last night it looked like squalor and a hell of a lot of hard work.)
1:4 Dreamt last night I was trying to escape being brainwashed by the government and I was trying wake people up that the government is trying to brainwash you. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you see it? There were brick barracks everywhere. Didn’t feel like we were in a concentration camp just a brick bunker type place.
1:8 Living in a barrack with a bunch of other women and I was in a really abusive relationship and I remember what the guy looked like. The women were trying to get me to leave him, they were coming up with a plan to get me to leave safely. They were all doing all sorts of things to get him to leave temporarily so we could talk. They knocked him out, for some reason they used oil, like car petroleum oil. They hit him with a frying pan. It was a whole dream about trying to get out of an abusive relationship.
5:8 Quote from a holocaust writer “you have to have aggression bred in your bones to find ways around or under or thru it” Ellen Feldman” Thinking about ways that we are oppressed/ suppressed; about how the wiring of our nervous systems for survival lead us into shut down mode VS evolution mode. The book that this quote is take from is about post WWII 1950’s and how 3 families coped with post trauma, played by the rules, broke free or not. I feel fear, feels like a bubble rising, wanting to be fee of tyranny and oppression. I am feeling trapped and desperate. I feel jolts of electrical energy / adrenaline fear surges. I am reading about eco-psychology and the collapse of the modern world and purification and restoration of the sacred and the exiled indigenous earth energies.
1:12 The girls I babysit there was a storm wind, raining, pouring and sky was red and red embers hitting the house they were spraying poison chemical warfare at house and then trying to protect the kids and he sky turned red and they started dropping bombs. I don’t’ remember how it ended. I just remember running. In the dream the father said “just because something looks fixed doesn’t mean it is. Its only appearance.”
Boats/ Water
1:C2 Donnie might do his captain’s license. He’s a lobsterman now.
5:C2 Titanic in 3D is unbelievable
6:C2 I had a little kid that was afraid of the Titanic, but he cannot keep away from it.
5:C2 Ships going down is that the typhoid miasm??
6:C2 Thinking about what the captain did
5:C2 The captain screwed up. They were going too fast and could not miss the iceberg.
6:C2 8 people died in the making of the Titanic. One guy got smashed.
5:2 Confusing dream of rushing for the boat and water gushing through the hull. Feeling of agitated energy in solar plexus.
6:2 Dream-In another part we are hurrying through a downtown walkway system perhaps over water. Someone is out of control behind us and we are able to be safe and stay out of their way.
1:3 Jumped in the ocean, that was bizarre, don’t know if I would have normally done that or not.
2:5 Water broke down on the island had to go back and forth on the boat all day.
5:6 Sense of Urgency: Dreaming of crashing plane, trying to get to a boat. Dream: My daughter and I and a plane coming straight down bam. Trying to get away, I knew it was going to crash and explode- in narrow alleys, trying to get to boat to go home.
6:6 Dream- I am looking out my window and right there I see a boat that is already sinking and it capsizes and sinks quickly and 20-30 people bob to the surface like they’ve been spilled out. I called to my husband to quick get the cell phone and call 911. We are following the river down stream, a little ways down a fence juts out into river and 3-5 peole have gotten on a pallet raft and have rescued themselves. Just past that it’s very fast moving current to open ocean. The path by river is uneven dark stones, a guy asks me if I want to buy or if I have an ounce of pot I assume and I sneer at him incredulously (my vocabulary is noticeably improved on this remedy.) My husband and I are on our way to a house we’ve stayed at before but don’t have directions to. We “will” ourselves there somehow. When we get there there’s an old Native American healer man with bad teeth, maybe turquoise tooth on bottom or some artificial tool implant. He comes over to me and take my L wrist almost feeling up the radial side 6 inches for a pulse but not quite taking it and says “yes, you are a leader.” Later back by the path by the river, people are aware of the sinking ship. There’s the feeling of a calamity.
1:9 Interesting Dreams. Two women trying to change their lives, or changes their path and as soon as things started working for them there would be this huge earthquake and this huge wave would come and wash all of their progress away.
2:10 At 11:30am got a call saying a boat was sinking and needed to be bailed out. Bailed it out at 1pm.
5:20 Dream: of boat, looking for beer. Looking for food for all the kids, luxury boat floats by, wonder what it would be like to just float. Boat disappears, see flames, it reappears and is smoldering pile of ashes and debris.
Grey
1:C1 Contrast of yellow against grey.
6:1 I want to wear grey, love my grey nail polish.
6:1 Admiring grey clothes on others.
6:5 Wearing grey outfit, very loose, flowy, like a toga, I feel like I’m channeling a Greek Goddess.
4:00
3:C2 It’s early for me to want to be outside. Usually I can wait till 4 PM. (it is 3:15).
3:1 Starting around 4ish (the thoughts).
6:4 Woke in night at 4:47am from a pain in R side of front of throat cartilaginous ring at the side of it. Pain was sever and in a very small spot. I can’t describe the pain. It was so small a spot to feel squeezed but it wasn’t stabbing pain either. Right after throat pain happened had pain a L medial malleolus which came on suddenly and left in a few seconds.
6:5 Pain momentarily in R anterior throat at 4:45pm.
2:6 Woke at 4am
6:6 Woke from dream- woke early at 4:30am and went back to bed. (an old sx for me)
1:7 4pm hits and I just spiral downhill into depression and it just sucks.
2:7 Woke at 4:30am
1:10 4pm is still really hard, things shift at that time.
2:10 Woke at 4am
1:12 Still going on with pattern of good morning then around 4 and get nasty and either really depressed or angry or anxious. It’s been like that for a week or so.
1:12 around 4:30 I got extremely angry with the kids. This is unusual for me.
Generalities
1:C1 Besides bring really hot I am really comfortable.
2:C2 Time is going very quickly.
1:1 Woke up so thirsty I thought I was going to die. Chugged a whole bottle of water. Very unusual for me.
1:3 I was unusually tired last night. Falling asleep behind the wheel. I never get like that. I can usually stay up so late without a problem. I was wiped out today, I wanted to take a nap all day. Not usually that tired.
4:1 Tired
4:3 Tired
4:4 Tired and achy.
4:5 Tired and achy.
4:6 Tired.
4:7 Tired. Slept better.
4:8 Able to get out.
4:11 Very tired. Elevated blood sugar. High blood pressure.
4:13 Tired at night.
Head
6:C1 Rush of adrenaline in stomach, followed by quick congestion in forehead.
6:C1 Upward energy, open top of head.
6:C1 Pain in posterior superior parietal lobe on right.
6:C2 L mid-side of parietal headache.
6:C3 Thick head feeling.
1:1 Light frontal headache.
2:1 Itch spots like bug on skin.
1:2 Same frontal headache today again.
4:2: Itchy
1:3 Had that head ache all day again.
4:3: Very itchy last night especially the scalp. Headache.
4:4: Headache.
4:5: Headache.
4:6: “Terrible” headache.
4:7: “Bad” headache.
6:7 Tingling sensation in forehead 5pm.
4:8: Headache.
2:11 Fore head itchy due to frustration.
4:11 Still has headache.
2:12 Forehead itchy from frustration/ Irritation.
2:13 Itches forehead.
Eyes
1:C1 Redness under eyes.
1:C2 Glassy eyes. Tight-lipped. Head back. Lying back.
1:C2 Contracted pupils.
2:5 Dirt in eyes feeling.
4:6: Painful to move eyes side to side
4:7: Painful to move eyes side to side
6:5 Eye strain at 4pm-7pm- after computer use.
2:10 Eyes feel like dirt in them in the morning, very itchy fore head.
6:11 Over last few days noticing I’m closing my L eye as I write/focus on something. (this has persisted for months after the proving)
6:13 As I write I close my L eye, it just feels good to do it.
Ears
4:8: On and off ear pain.
Nose
6:TE Smelling smoke, incense/sage in bed reading.
4:C1 My nose is a little runny. My nose is itchy. My nose is itchy and runny.
4:C2 Rubbing nose. I can smell them. (tiger lilies) I don’t have allergies. Wiping nose with tissue.
4:1: Itchy
6:2 Smell hot computer chemical smell while in homeopathy class at 9:45am, a little nauseous, pain in R temple.
6:4 Woke with beginning of a herpetic ulcer in my nose as usual on the L side, weird because I slept enough (but over-exercised yesterday.)
6:4 Cold sore on nose painful, irritating.
6:5 Nose is really hurting, very large sore, and more under ali than usually where it is in the floor of the nostril.
6:9 Cold sore deep red, scab, cracking, sort of shaped like a W, not usually so big or shaped like this, on L side of nose inside nostril.
6:9 Eruption on L side on top of nostril
6:10 Eruptions on side of top of L nostril painful feels like herpes, but could just be a pimple.
6:10 Old pimple between eyebrows painful to touch oddly it’s been there for weeks.
6:12 Nose eruptions symmetrically on R after L side.
Face
1:C1 Reticence on face, uncertainty, Smiling, Subtle flushing of cheeks
1:C1 I’m hot all of a sudden. Bright red flushing on face.
1:C2 Head down, eyes closed. Bright red lips.
2:C2 Itchy burning nose. Face itchy near mouth. Head itches left side. Metal taste in mouth on tip of tongue. Right corner eye itchy. Inside ears itchy.
1:C3 My nose itches. Face flushed.
2:C3 Itchy nose.
1:6 My nose burns, I can hardly hear out of my ears, they feel all stuffy. From the cold coming on.
Mouth
4:1 Numbness
Teeth
6:9 Tooth sensitive to hot, on upper back R molars with corn.
6:10 Teeth sensitive on upper R back molar on lateral side of tooth like they are exposed to air.
Throat
4:1: Numbness/thick feeling in the back of throat (like the feeling you get from sucking on Sucrets lozenges).
6:TE On my run in the evening, burning in throat like too much hot cigarette smoke (I’m not a smoker anymore).
6:1 Food (brownie) when down wrong pipe, later that evening I got hoarse.
6:1 Throat as if I have been screaming, scalded feeling almost.
4:2: Clearing throat.
6:2 Sore throat > warm drinks last night and > lying on R side.
4:3: Sore throat
6:4 Woke in night at 4:47am from a pain in R side of front of throat cartilaginous ring at the side of it. Pain was sever and in a very small spot. I can’t describe the pain. It was so small a spot to feel squeezed but it wasn’t stabbing pain either. Right after throat pain happened had pain a L medial malleolus which came on suddenly and left in a few seconds.
6:5 Pain momentarily in R anterior throat at 4:45pm.
Stomach
1:C1 Hungry.
2:C1 Extremely hungry
3:C1 Nodded she had a feeling in the stomach (of nervousness).
6:TE Heartburn, empty stomach feeling.
2:1 Not hungry at all even after I did lots of work.
1:3 Hot flash and really bad nausea around noon.
2:4 Pain feels like IBS
2:5 Pain for IBS, cramping, like I drank too much milk.
4:5: Nausea. Bloated belly
2:7 Woke at 3 am from painful feeling in stomach under ribs to above the pubic, bones burn!
1:11 I had nausea today, that sucked, severe nausea.
2:12 Stomach ache
Abdomen/Rectum/Stool
2:4 Pain and diarrhea. Frequent.
2:5 Loose stools, frequent, pain.
2:6 Pain, cramping, diarrhea, frequent.
2:7 Thinking it the cream in my coffee that is causing the IBS.
2:10 Sharp burn pain, stool loose, and frequent, filling toilet with small soft bowel at least three times in the am.
1:11 I’ve had IBS symptoms since the I took the remedy.
2:11 Worse in morning, frequent, bowel floats, small and plentiful.
1:12 Having IBS 5-6 days. Diarrhea. Never had an episode like that before.
2:12 Horrible all day.
2:13 IBS continues
2:14 IBS continues
Urinary
4:7: Diagnosed with urinary tract infection with no symptoms
Female
6:1 Feeling of string drawn up beside clitoris - not new.
6:1 Vaginal/labial soreness when sitting as if a wire or string was on left side of between labial majora/minora.
6:1 Painful to sit, mild burning in clitoris. (not like previous Platina sx).
6:2 Sensation of a wedgy on L side, throughout the day.
6:2 Mild vaginal itching not inside but over the pubis.
6:3 Itchy at pubis noticed thick creamy vaginal discharge, smells a bit like ammonia (never had this before.)
6:4 Mild itching at pubis on waking, no discharge or odor.
6:5 Menses- dark stringy fine clots at beginning.
Respiratory
6:C1 Need deep breathe.
6:C1 Upward energy, open top of head, breathless need to inspire.
4:C2 Coughing.
4:7 Dry cough due to walking pneumonia.
3:9 Kind of a nasty sickness, a nasty respiratory thing.
4:13 Occasional cough.
Chest
6:C1 Burning in the right side of the heart.
6:C1 Warmth around heart.
6:C1 Trembling at heart.
6:TE During run, stitch in right side of ribs 2 inches lateral to xyphoid process and in back at about T11.
6:3 Run in evening same stitch in R ribs, below breast and medially.
1:7 I can feel the cold in my chest, it’s moving into my chest now. Rough, raw.
3:9 Been annoyingly sick. Unusual to get sick with what my kids have. But this was a strong one. Daughter had a croupy cough. There was no time modality. Clear, watery nose stuff. Sick. Stuffed up a long time. May have had a low-grade fever. Cough turned into a wet cough. I got it and the start was like a bad splinter in throat. Felt a sore throat, not ear to ear but a big thing. I took Hepar Sulph four times. It has helped each time. Kind of a nasty sickness, a nasty respiratory thing.
3:12 Just finally at the end of the respiratory thing.
Back
6:C1 Feeling like sitting up straight and stretching up, like a bird spreading it’s wings.
1:2 I just had the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. It’s sharp, it radiates. Started at my bra strap, and the center, really sharp and pushed forward into my ribs. It’s not spine or muscle related. Brought me to my knees. It was really extreme for 2-3 minutes, caught me way off guard. It’s lessening now, but still really painful.
6:2 Sleeping woke at 2:00-2:30am soreness (pain at midback thoracolumbar or a little higher).
1:3 Still have the pain in my back, just really dull in the background.
6:6 Aching in upper back- R rhomboids after emotional stress, yesterday after polishing silver last night feels like I overworked it, it feels it could spasm.
1:14 Back pain is so much worse.
Extremities
1:C1 I am sweating, my hands are sweating. I am repulsed to hold onto this thing [pestle] I’m so sweaty.
6:C1 Finger tips are cold.
6:C1 Feeling my own pulse.
6:C1 My fingers are cold.
6:C3 Holding myself tightly.
6:3 L shoulder make a click sound and suddenly seemed to increase the range of motion moving arm up and back over head while taking towel off.
6:3 Playing scrabble my hands look dainty, beautiful, and wonderfully feminine.
2:10 Hands hurt, arthritis.
6:10 I feel strong in my legs when I stand up from crouching.
Fever
4:4: Sick with fever, “really bad” chills, headache, body aches all over body, couldn’t get comfortable, did not go to work, just want to lay on couch
4:5: Sick with chills, bone aches, and fever 101-102 degrees even after taking Tylenol and Advil. 2 doses of Eupatorium taken 1 hour apart with no improvement. No respiratory cold symptoms.
4:7 Fever went up to 104 degrees. Felt really hot. Started a cough. Went to ER and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Taking two antibiotics.
4:8: Fever is going down.
Skin
4:C3 Itchy
4:1 Rash under both arms
4:2 Felt hot under breast bone. Felt better with cool on it. Red raised rash under right arm pit.
2:13 Full body itch! Everywhere!
2:14 Itch, itch, itch! All over
M/E
Food, Alcohol, Drugs, Sex
1:C1 Hungry
1:C1 I can process pot food, it turns me into a terrible person.
1:C1 All I can think about is dad and how he denied smoking pot. “I worked too hard to smoke pot”.
3:C1 Feels like being stoned, totally like being stoned. High.
4:C1 We’re all stoned.(smiling)
5:C1 Yeah, fuzzy relaxed. She was like that outside. “I feel high.” What did we talk about? I am hungry. My father smoked pot at my wedding and my father is a straight laced engineer.
1:C2 4/20 is also Hitler’s birthday and how weird is that, everyone is celebrating it. [April 20 is embraced by pot smokers around the world as "weed day" each year.]
1:C2 I went to see Vanessa and she was telling me about this kid who was great and I was going to fall for him and (put hand up) I’m like, no, I don’t need that. A cop pulled him over and got his license and realized he had pulled him over in the past. Cop asked “when last time pot was smoked in the car?” He responded I don’t know. Cop told him to get out of the car he said, NO and rolled up his window. He called 911 told that he was being harassed by cops, cop comes over and smashes the window out and dragged him out of the car, he’s funny, he thinks he has rights.”
1:C2 These chips are great – arent’ they the most wonderful thing you’ve ever had?
2:C2 Talking about pot a lot. Craving something salty.
5:C2 Something will happen. I feel like I am about to go skydiving something thrilling can happen at any moment.
5:C2 When I lived in Africa drums at night telling stories. 6 months in Sierra Leone, Ghana, Nigeria, probably not very safe. I was 21 and I didn't care. Smoke some pot down there.
6:C2 It is Xmas and I have one night to spend with my friend and her mom has been taking to eating pot brownies. So I ate one and I was the only one and the only thing I could think of was I could only see everyone’s’ pain and suffering and it was Xmas. I was like ripping these people apart it was the worse sad view. It was not the fun part of pot.
5:C2 I had a brownie in Africa and it was so strong and I was so sick and I had to lay down to stop spinning
1:C2 I cannot process pot.
1:C2 I cannot wait for the next 14 days. We are all really, really high and then …..
6:C2 I will tell you a good story I am in the Morocco. We are getting lead in to the Casabah and these young boys were leading us and taking out baggage and I am like paranoid. It is really creepy and we go to this bar and there are these big guys and they look really scary. Then we are smoking hash and then they try to sell it to us and we are no, no we do not want it and they drew out this huge knife and stab it into the hash. We finally get out of there and we think we found our hotel and it isn’t and then we went to another hotel and it was horrible. The next day we saw the guy at the market and he was laughing at us. Moral of the story; do not go to morocco and smoke hash.
5:C2 I have the feeling like……I took ecstasy a couple of times and I was in nature and I was like there is no boundaries and I feel like I could do that. I can go there. But I am like toning it down. I feel like I can dominate the conversation and comment on everyone and I can say this about that, but I do not want to be obnoxious.
5:C2 Like ACID like being one with god at the end.
3:C3 This is more intense for me than pot. Like acid. That was a really weird trip. (Eating apple) The apple tastes very different. This is one weird trip.
3:C3 (Chatting about LSD)
6:C3 Remembered driving with really drunk friend (in Sedona) and wanted my boyfriend to say we shouldn’t have let that drunk friend drive, but we didn’t say anything.
5:TE Being in the proving circle was very much like being with a group of friends in the 70's...smoking pot, drinking, hanging out, etc. One was never alone and in a sort of undifferentiated state of bliss. When I left the proving I did not want to go home and be alone...did not want to separate out of this connected bliss state. So, I went down to the beach on Peaks Island and there was a group of random friends having a bonfire. There was beer and pot and it was just so reminiscent of those floaty hippie days....in this state there is no anxiety.
6:TE On way home, saw license plate RUBUS like Robis (an old pot dealer’s name), then another plate said PDL4GOD.
6:TE On my run in the evening, burning in throat like too much hot cigarette smoke (I’m not a smoker anymore).
6:TE Smelling smoke, incense/sage in bed reading.
1:1 (Sex addict and in SAA) Had a relapse today and felt no guilt. That has never happened before. Not worried, not attached to the program at all, it’s just not for me, but it’s cool that there is no guilt. I am over the guilt.
3:1 Felt again today the weirdness of it, thoughts racing along, small, a little revved. On a scale of intensity, yesterday was an 8, today a 4. Familiar to yesterday; a little revved. Thoughts I haven’t had for twenty years since doing drugs. Peeling layers off, like onions - like coming off drugs – from that state to ‘normal’. Functional but not feeling like me. Surprised at the intensity of it. Revisiting a long time ago in my life. There’s a familiarity to it, watching the flipping out of it (the others triturating). Very strange.
5:1 I am wanting a beer.
1:2 Really hungry, ate all day.
1:2 Not going to do the SAA program anymore. I feel like, ahh, whatever. Carefree. I quit the program yesterday. I don’t’ feel woo-hoo, but I do feel glad that I don’t have to deal with guilt and Jesus texts.
1:2 I am having food craving, salt and sugar alternating. Salty then sweet. Made myself eat salad today. I ate so much I couldn’t believe it.
3:2 Reflecting around the time of college when doing recreational drugs. Have not thought of it in a long time.
3:2 Feeling jittery at end of day. When my husband came home, I told him. He suggested having some alcohol, like a glass of wine. Very unusual for us to drink alcohol, do not drink but rarely. There was no wine in the house. There was some vodka left from making tinctures. He made us each a drink. It was a nice thing. Calming. It’s very unusual for us to have a drink.
5:2 I am craving salty food
1:3 Bought a slush puppy because I hadn’t had one in ten years.
1:3 Appetite was more normal. Hungry because I haven’t eaten, but I didn’t shove my face like I did yesterday.
1:4 Feeling guilty about relapse for the first time.
5:4 I feel agitation; cranking as though the bottom is being churned and I am hurtling through space on an out of control roller coaster. I feel dizzy frightened, breathless, frightened and weak as though I am going insane. I feel as though I am “riding the tail of the dragon”.
1:5 Found out last night that I cannot tolerate alcohol on this remedy, I had a little bit (two shots) and got drunk’ that is unusual for me. Kept talking in a drunken stupor about how I wanted to be a boy. That it was a joke that I was born a woman.Gods joke on me. Pissed about it. My friends were all laughing at me.
6:4 Dream- I invite a patient to my house when she arrives she says she’d been run “off the road” but it was being run onto the road. I wonder why I invited her, as it’s not appropriate. We are eating Chinese food (supposedly in China but no Chinese people or unusual/strange foods.) I ate more than others and it was noticeably expensive, they said as you get healthier you eat less. I am in a row facing my husband and all of the sudden they build a wall between us and I am looking around for how it got there. Something about food being paper, like a note stuck on this wall (and it was the food). Sort of debaucherous tone in dream.
6:5 Looking at men and being attracted to them.
6:6 Dream- I am looking out my window and right there I see a boat that is already sinking and it capsizes and sinks quickly and 20-30 people bob to the surface like they’ve been spilled out. I called to my husband to quick get the cell phone and call 911. We are following the river downstream, a little ways down a fence juts out into river and 3-5 people have gotten on a pallet raft and have rescued themselves. Just past that it’s very fast moving current to open ocean. The path by river is uneven dark stones, a guy asks me if I want to buy or if I have an ounce of pot I assume and I sneer at him incredulously (my vocabulary is noticeably improved on this remedy.) My husband and I are on our way to a house we’ve stayed at before but don’t have directions to. We “will” ourselves there somehow. When we get there there’s an old Native American healer man with bad teeth, maybe turquoise tooth on bottom or some artificial tool implant. He comes over to me and take my L wrist almost feeling up the radial side 6 inches for a pulse but not quite taking it and says “yes, you are a leader.” Later back by the path by the river, people are aware of the sinking ship. There’s the feeling of a calamity.
6:8 I’m babysitting two kids in a hospital ward. I see there are only two beds then I look back and there’s a third one, for we are right inside the door. I’m getting changed for bed all of the sudden I’m naked and a man pats me on the ass as if to remind me I’m naked. I go to class next morning.
5:9 Took half a Klonopin desire for sleep and end of anxiety. Seems it pushed anxiety onto my daughter, I must quit alcohol.
6:9 I feel like having sex (not usually like this.)
1:10 Continuing to have sex with friend even though I don’t feel completely good about it. Having sex with more than one person.
6:10 I would fuck anyone if I were single. Love cute guys today.
1:11 Woke up feeling hung over, but didn’t drink.
2:11 Feel the stress like I used to 3 ½ years ago when I used to drink. I’m now in recovery. Holy moly, Holy moly. Having a hard time keeping it together.
1:12 I had some bad dreams I had one where mom was drinking again we were all hanging out the bar and we couldn’t believe she was drinking. She was so upset when she realized she’d have to start all over again she left and locked herself in her car and drove across three lanes of traffic and into a tree. Watched the whole thing from the bar window without being able to stop it. I remember screaming and screaming.
3:12 For some reason I didn’t think this would go THERE (to a drug related type experience). Experience was scary. That was an unexpected experience. Took me a week to put in perspective, to get back to the same feelings, back to my daily kind of context. That was probably the end for me, a week later. Still working out the feelings that came up in my daily life – something would happen that would bring me back to that previous time, that time of the trituration.
6:13 Terribly guilty feeling after networking meeting with older man last night, no sexual overtones were present, but very peculiar. Feeling as though I’m having an affair.
5:14 Dream that I am on a boat trying to figure out if I have enough ground beef for all the children. Looking for a beer. A beautiful luxury boat with lots of people goes by. I wonder what it would be like to be floating all alone on that boat. It disappears from view behind some trees and I see flames, it is burning then it floats into view and it is a smoldering pile of ashes and debris.
Transgender
1:4 I hate myself. I feel like a joke. I’m ugly. I was born the wrong gender. I want a girlfriend. This makes me want to die. I was born into the wrong body.
1:5 Found out last night that I cannot tolerate alcohol on this remedy, I had a little bit (two shots) and got drunk that is unusual for me. Kept talking in a drunken stupor how I wanted to be a boy. That it was a joke that I was born a woman. Gods joke on me. Pissed about it. My friends were all laughing at me.
1:13 Hating myself as a woman. Feel like I want to tape down my boobs and dress like a man. Went to a concert dressed like a boy so they would mosh with me as rough as they would a guy.
1:Extraction I realized that transgender was part of the remedy. I had no idea this aspect of myself was even part of the proving. I got so caught up in it. What a relief!
Infection/ Illness/ Bug Bites/ Worms
1:C1 I can hear that, it sounds like pine borers.
1:C1 I thought of a way to solve a Japanese beetles problem – I am going to vacuum the trees. That will solve everything. With a shop vac.”
1:C1 “newbee keepers” (laughter)
1:C1 Green mile – when he would go to heal people and all the bees would come out of his mouth.
3:C1 Do bees over winter in Virginia?
4:C1 I was taking my dog for a walk and heard bees buzzing all over the trunks of apple trees. My husband said, go catch them. The bees are very calm. The bees swarmed again. My husband put them in a hive. Eventually we’ll have honey. We’re new bee keepers. It can get as warm as 90 degrees. We’d have a floor of bees in our chicken coop. I’m not a bug lover, but they are very calm. My husband flew with a guy who took a teddy bear across country. He was doing it for his kid. (laughing)
6: C2 As a kid there was this thing about moles that can turn into spiders.
6:C2 A worm in your foot we cannot figure out why it is in there. She went to the ER and had this big creepy worm her my foot.
5:C2 There is one kind of worm you can get in your feet
1:C2 The painters told me a way to get rid of moths or bees, clear a spot near the nest and torch it at night and they come out to go after light and burn up.
6:C2 You can put a flash light up to your ear and a bug will come out. Or pour beer in the ear and it gets it drunk and stops flitting around so you can get it out.
1:C2 I had a dream that so freaked me out – I had all these zits that I was trying to pop and as I squeezed them worms came out. It was so freaky.
2:C2 Conversation of being invaded by bugs again.
5:C2 Ship going down -typhoid miasma
3:C3 Cats don’t get Lyme disease.
2:4 Pain and diarrhea. Frequent.
4:4: Sick with fever, “really bad” chills, headache, body aches all over body, couldn’t get comfortable, did not go to work, just want to lay on couch
2:5 Loose stools, frequent, pain.
4:5: Sick with chills, bone aches, and fever 101-102 degrees even after taking Tylenol and Advil. 2 doses of Eupatorium taken 1 hour apart with no improvement. No respiratory cold symptoms.
1:6 I thought a few days ago I was getting a sinus infection, it’s turning into a cold. My nose burns, I can hardly hear out of my ears, they feel all stuffy. I can feel it in my chest, it’s moving into my chest now.
2:6 Pain, cramping, diarrhea, frequent.
5:6 Ringing and buzzing in ears continues
6:6 Found tick on right shin in bathtub, probably had been on me for 5-8 hours. Not engorged. I feel freaked out, but feel risk of getting Lyme is low, I saved the tick.
2:7 Thinking it is the cream in my coffee that is causing the IBS.
4:7 Fever went up to 104 degrees. Felt really hot. Started a cough. Went to ER and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Taking two antibiotics.
1:8 Very sick, very weak, lungs hurt, can’t hear well.
2:10 Sharp burn pain, stool loose, and frequent, filling toilet with small soft bowel at least three times in the am.
1:11 I am still sick, getting better. I had nausea today, that sucked, severe nausea. I’ve had IBS symptoms since the I took the remedy.
2:11 Worse in morning, frequent, bowel floats, small and plentiful.
4:11 Still sick with cough and fatigue.
1:12 Cold is much better, still get a scratchy throat.
1:12 Having IBS 5-6 days. Diarrhea. Never had an episode like that before.
2:12 Horrible all day.
2:13 IBS continues
2:14 IBS continues
Irritability/Anger/Depression/Despair
1:C1 You are really annoying (to #2), yelling at 2 – really??, I love you! (Sarcasm)
1:C3 Ashamed, guilty, upset, no energy, drained, depressed, envy for travel.
2:C1 Annoyed with the scraping of the bowl but still smiling.
2:C2 Anxious/ obsessing/depressed.
3:C2 This definitely has a lot of ups and downs.
3:C2 Bored. Wants to go outside.
4:C2 I get mad when I hear the news. It’s all bad news.
6:TE Feel husband is being passively aggressively contrary and uncaring and ignores me and tolerates me and thinks the proving is a bunch of nothing. I’m annoyed at him.
1:1 Today I felt like if something bad happened, or didn’t’ go the way I expected or if I got called out on something, it was like a blow to my soul. I feel so ashamed, like I should leave.
1:1 After disappointment I entered a “sad fog”
3:1 Did not welcome the intensity of the trituration.
6:1 I feel like my face looks like I’m far away and I have endured long standing grief.
1:2 I wasn’t around people all day. I hate being inside. I feel trapped inside.
4:2 It took me 13 hours to get home. I was frustrated. I was worried about getting home.
5:2 Feel a ball of agitated energy stuck in my solar Plexus.
6:2 This morning I am not irate at my husband, snuggled him a bit before getting up. But would be happier if I didn’t have to talk to him before I leave in an hour and a half. I was furious last night, all old deep issues between us. But couldn’t talk about, be constructive at all.
6:2 Husband- there’s a sense which scares me that I could do this alone, I don’t need him. Now it’s the feeling of being able to shut down my love and stop being connected, like I did with my ex-boyfriend- just turn off my feelings. This feels unhealthy/violent/severe.
1:3 Able to put on a great mask on for my sadness.
3:3 This has been affecting me with dreams. Do not remember ever remembering more than two seconds of dreams, and then to be having them successively and with such potency. The dreams seem to be somehow negative and somehow related. Last night’s was pretty disturbing – the most disturbing.
5:3 Bodily agitations as though my body is too dry and fragmented to allow this enormous energy to flow. It feels like a spigot that is rusted shut.
1:4 Really really rough, really depressed. I’m at that stage right now where I am feeling guilty, low and depressed. This remedy really exaggerates emotions and that doesn’t help. I’m not okay. I'm very depressed, antsy, feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I’m trapped in my own body. I want to cry. This is not a good feeling.
1:4 Collected pansies today to cure my broken heart.
1:4 I hate myself. I feel like a joke. I’m ugly. I was born the wrong gender. I want a girlfriend. This makes me want to die. I was born into the wrong body.
5:4 Agitation is ratcheting up many notches.
1:5 Crying. I don’t know if it’s just the remedy, I don’t know anymore. Just having a rough one. I don’t know how to explain it. I am just really, really depressed and I feel alone and empty and trapped. And I feel like there is a hole in my heart.
2:5 Anxious waiting for the ball to drop.
1:6 Didn’t call H. It feels like a pain in the ass. I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in life. I feel like I’m off path. Lost. I go to bed and I can’t control it. I get extremely sad and depressed and lonely. Can’t wait for this to be over.
4:6 I’ve been feeling too bad for too long. Sunday I was anxious waiting for my flight. I was thinking about arranging for someone to come over (to help if I couldn’t get home). Discouraged.
1:7 4pm hits and I just spiral downhill into depression and it just sucks. 10th day of work straight. I have tomorrow off. That’s the pattern. The day starts and I feel great and be all happy and then afternoon comes and I just feel like shit.
4:7 I wanted to cry.
5:8 I read a quote from holocaust writer “you have to have aggression bred in your bones to find ways around or under or thru it. “Ellen Feldman” I am thinking about ways that we are oppressed/ suppressed about how the wiring of our nervous systems for survival lead us into shut down mode VS evolution mode. The book that this quote is taken from is about post WWII 1950’s and how 3 families coped with post trauma, played by the rules and broke free or not.
I am pondering the fear that feels like a bubble rising, wanting to be fee of tyranny and oppression, I am feeling trapped and desperate. I am feeling jolts of electrical energy / adrenaline fear surges. I am reading about eco psychology and the collapse of the modern world and purification and restoration of the sacred and the exiled indigenous earth energies.
1:9 The depression is not as bad, which is refreshing. It was really kicking my butt.
2:9 Husband came home and blew my peace of mind to hell with a bill.
5:9 Fears of losing my job surface. I have feelings of isolation.
1:10 Feeling “over it”, like, I don’t’ really want to keep checking in, lazy about writing in my journal. I am still really depressed and just don’t’ want to do this anymore.
1:10 Feeling really short and frustrated with the kids at work still. Tired. Same shit, different day, like there is too much going on, I work too much.
2:10 Extremely frustrated to the point of my forehead itching. Its been another bad Monday! I don’t normally have bad days! Ahhh!
1:11 . I just dropped the dogs off at my exes. He really misses them, I probably shouldn’t, but I went and dropped them off. I handled myself pretty well. It’s the only thing that makes him happy. He was really upset and crying. I’m a little down now.
2:11 Easily frustrated, angry.
4:11 Doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Frustrated, angry, grumpy.
5:11 Based on the fear of losing my job. Feel like I am in an airplane that is in a free fall spin, but the engine is stalled. Lots of panic, don’t know whether to bail in a parachute. I keep trying to start or re-say my prayers as we crash. Reminds me of John Kennedy Jr. Then it made me think about the survival of the fittest. Wondering if I will survive. My mind is spinning like the free falling plane. Will I survive the evolutionary thrust?
1:12 Still going on with patterns of good morning then around 4 and get nasty and either really depressed or angry or anxious. It’s been like that for a week or so.
1:12 I had an angry spell yesterday. The kids were pushing my buttons and I yelled at them which I had never done. Mom sends me confusing emails and they expect me to get back to them right away. I was trying to focus and understand and I couldn’t’ concentrate. The kids were screaming and not listening. This was around 4, so that makes sense.
2:12 Easily frustrated, angry
3:12 All my dreams were about stuff that didn’t end particularly well.
1:13 Hating myself as a woman. Feel like I want to tape down my boobs and dress like a man. Went to a concert dressed like a boy so they would mosh with me as rough as they would a guy.
2:13 Frustrated, Emotional-stressed out unhappy, anxious.
4:13 Does not want to follow up with doctor because of fear of doctor finding problems with test results/health. Mother died of heart disease and was on dialysis, went downhill and died after tests were done by doctor.
1:14 No contact with H. Ready for this to be done. Angry, depressed, Done. I’ve been extremely empathetic about death. Feel it even when its no one I know. Takes over me. Also started cutting again.
2:14 Frustrated, irritated.
2:14 Easily frustrated, irritated, angry.
1:14 No contact with H. Extremely Depressed. Can’t wait for the extraction. Feel like I don’t want anyone to know how bad I am which is why I’ve made no contact. I haven’t even wanted to write it down. I don’t want it to be real.
2:14 I’m ugly on the inside and the outside. “I’m mean. I’m not nice to others. What the Fuck! And now I’m sad. I don’t want to be this way. I know it’s the proving, but no one else knows that it is.”
5.14 Awaken with a jolt; agitation, prickly, electric, agitation like a suppressed howl. Feeling terror of poverty and not being able to cope.
Hiding/Secret/ Holding Back/Truth/Revealing
6:TE Very articulate in talking with a mom about whether to give a remedy. Handled her concerns expertly, confidently reassured her that her son was doing it well and complimented his body’s responses. Felt good/experienced. The remedy I gave was indicated for a secret cause that the mom doesn’t know, but I know about.
1:C2 There is a box spring gun safe where you can hide like 75 guns.
6:C2 I have something so great and fun to offer, but they aren’t asking.
1:1 I normally wear my emotions on my sleeve and today I could cover them up and act like things were okay, laugh and joke. I really liked that feeling, that ability to cover up what I was feeling.
6:1 I feel I could be really honest with my husband about how our relationship feels to me, to face the truth because it’s the only thing that is starkly real.
3:2 Dream: Visiting Saratoga Springs for a few months. I was pregnant. And kind of being quiet about it, lying and saying I would be in Maine for a home birth. (This actually happened, 10 years ago, with first child. Illegal to have a home birth in Saratoga Springs., which she did.
1:3 Able to put on a great mask for my sadness
3:3 Dreamed I was driving station wagon type car, boxy car, in a urban area, there were sidewalks and I hit someone, a woman I didn’t know, between the sidewalk and car. Felt really bad, thinking “Oh my god.” I didn’t get out of car. This was odd for behavior for me. Someone went to the person who was hurt. No one was paying any attention to me and I had this thought that I could just drive away. But then a policeman knocked on the window, saying, “Get out of the car.” Felt this feeling of, “Oh shit.” And then I got out and there was blood all over the car.
6:5 White elephant conversations with husband, feeling of we might as well just say the truth. Deep truth telling without anger. I can smell rotted meat, but my husband can’t.
6:7 I just said SWORN TO SECRECY- regarding my sister’s ideas for starting a meringue baking business from home. Also secret stuff with friends triangle of secrets.
2:14 I don’t want to be this way/holding back emotions trying to keep false front.
Spirituality/Spiritual Crisis
5:C2 I’ve already started. I know what this is about ratna, pointing to bright yellow forsythia, in the ratna room at Karma Choling it was manic.
5:C3 First communion 3 days at Catholic school-went to the next day to first communion -had wrong dress from public schools had eaten before communion, mom didn’t take me or tell me what to wear.
1:13 Spiritual crisis day. I’ll write more about it later.
2:1 Very spiritual/ very creative/connected to source/ spiritually high as a kite.
2:2 Spiritual creative connected to source, created a lodge pole for the sweat lodge with 4 woven spider webs in-between the gaps of the branches, elk bones, and feathers.
5:4 E-mail form H. saying that we are collectively standing before a great storm and the birthing of this tempest is the very heart of the cosmos. And is nothing less than the harbinger of immense change. Do not fear its intensity, embrace it and ride it to the heights of your own consciousness. By doing so you will, become a light to yourself and each other.
2:5 Didn’t meditate this morning.
2:6 Connected to the source.
5:7 Life as a haiku.
2:8 Spiritual connected.
2:9 Working a little harder to stay spiritually connected, we did a sweat lodge and and smudged. Hope the smudge didn’t antidote the remedy.
5.10 Thinking about eco psychology. Permaculture and sustainability; mind as eco system related to its environment “no-till eco therapy” means being still with one’s feelings. Faith - willingness to open to whatever arises in our experience.
5:12 Stalled on the edge emptiness. The body as a portal into infinity. I wish space felt like home.
2:14 Not connected to source.
5:14 Howling on the edge of evolution with the question will I make the cut in the selection of the species, the culling of the herd. Feeling the vulnerability at the edge of this natural selection process; like grade school and being the last picked for the team.
2:14 Stressed out/ no longer in the light/ no longer in the love/ I’m mean I’m not nice to others/ I’m disconnected to the universe.
5:14 Howling on the edge of evolution or extinction. Howling on a curb, a mother who can’t hold her baby and make her safe or hold onto herself.
2:15 S. could I tell you something? Rereading these notes I realized how spiritually connected and centered I was feeling before the proving and how disconnected I was on day 15.
Communication/Connection/Groups
1:C1 Concentrating on grinding really intently. Serious. Not participating in the conversation. Really focused on triturating. Grinding every part, pays attention to ensure grinding every aspect.
1:C1 Tribal living.
5:C1 The necklaces; S. and N’s necklaces are the same. It’s a way to stay connected.
1:C3 I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way as they do. Am I making this all up? I don’t feel community. I did at first but now I feel unbelievably isolated. Like I've been shamed and ostracized even.
5:C3 Remedy about community.
5:C3 Don’t want to go home and be with my daughter alone. Want to be in community.
5:C3 I miss those days living with a bunch of other people more flowing people around.
5:C3 I have a friend who is going to build addition to have others live with. If my mother did that I would kill her.
5:C3 Feel like laying a hammock , a circle of hammocks so we could still talk.
5:TE Being in the proving circle was very much like being with a group of friends in the 70's...smoking pot, drinking, hanging out, etc. One was never alone and in a sort of undifferentiated state of bliss. When I left the proving I did not want to go home and be alone...did not want to separate out of this connected bliss state. So, I went down to the beach on Peaks Island and there was a group of random friends having a bonfire. There was beer and pot and it was just so reminiscent of those floaty hippie days....in this state there is no anxiety, which came later on in the proving process.
3:C1 We crave it; something more than the ‘nuclear family’, and its loneliness.
6:C1 I feel like I’m dominating the conversation.
6:C1 I have something to say on every subject.
6:C1 I feel I should stop myself from over-talking.
6:C3 Feeling of group of individuals that don’t want to be a group, they want to stay separate.
6:C3 They don’t respond to my smiling.
6:C3 People don’t get my jokes, they don’t laugh with me, I feel sad.
6:C3 I don’t care about connecting with them because they don’t try to connect with me.
6:C3 I am finished, I want to get away from these people. They are not my group. They don’t make a community with me.
6:TE Saw an ant colony and though it was nice, looked jovular (I wrote this word but I don’t think it’s a real word, but I think the word I mean is jocular meaning fun and community feeling)
6:TE Sensitive to husband not saying hi to me coming in from my run.
6:1 Woke from dream- many people in close proximity in my dream. I am at a market inside, looking for stickers. We are waiting to meet a group of people maybe my husband’s family. I mistake another blonde young man for him (husband) and sort of say “hey!” and then “oh sorry, I don’t know you.” I hope to see my old boyfriend in the crowd of friends – run into but he’s not there and I’m disappointed (not a new theme.) Market was cluttered, a bit like a flea market. The groups we were waiting to meet had 5-8 people (one was family I think and one was friends.) At one point there’s water on the ground and I seem to want to avoid stepping in it and I don’t have to somehow. There was a sense of togetherness, groupness, moving as part of a group.
6:1 Terrible feeling when looking into someone’s face that they will not smile at you.
6:3 Day time, I feel great I have great rapport with my patients, GREAT communication I was being very funny with my patients.
1:4 Just feeling isolated and alone and it was rough.
2:4 New iphone. Stayed up 6 hours till midnight trying to get it all working. It didn’t. Amazing thing about this was that I didn’t loose my marbles trying to figure it out like I usually would. Only slept 4 hours had a hard time falling asleep.
2:5 Day in chaos, unorganized, Couldn’t find bosses credit card “Went to AT & T fixed my new phone in two seconds. Obviously I’m obsessing. New phone is putting me into a faster pace. My insides are slow but not as fast as what’s going on on the outside. I’m letting the email messages build up so I can work. I can’t work its all about the phone.” Went to bed early. Slept great.
1:14 No contact. Ready for this to be done. Angry, depressed, Done.
Hitler/Survival/Torture/Bunkers/Barracks
1:C1 4/20 is also Hitler’s birthday and how weird is that, everyone is celebrating it. [April 20 is embraced by pot smokers around the world as "weed day" each year.]
1:1 Dreamt that someone was cutting my toenails with a torture device. I was scared and resisted, but was forced into it. This device looked like it would rip your toenails off. A 5 inch metal handle, with two jagged metal blades that clamp down and pull off the nail. Terrifying feeling.
1:1 There was a lot of brainwashing talk today.
3:1 Round roof, being chased, chasing something urgent. Mosque-like (roof) but flatter, (with) wooden roof tiles. Like a barracks
5.1 Dream of family of origin splintering- Holocaust connections.
2:3 Dreamed I was helping in a brutal murder investigation where a man put a woman in a chipper and put the remains in a sand pile. I and other volunteers had to sort through the sand to get every partial of remains. We were in a camp bungalow small place with windows and screens all around. We took a break and then all of a sudden a big black bear came to a window with screen so when the bear moved from window to window trying to get in we shut the screens. Some how the bear came in and he was smelling all of us (there was only 3 of us). Anyway, the bear layed down on the floor. I was trying to call 911 but was having a hard time dialing and then I woke up.
6:3 Woke from dream- I work at a place, there’s stress forgetting things wrong (not like my real work), there is snow melting on the floor inside from things we bring inside like boots, we go to a bookstore, wait nervously in a line a speak to Hitler (he didn’t have a mustache) who is trying to be strict and limit us, the expectation is that we listen to him. But I say No, we aren’t going to do that and I give the reasons why it’s not reasonable to forbid us, after 1-2 things like that I have him laughing. Smiling disarmed and we are on our merry way having stood up and gotten what we wanted. I am surprised I would do this courageous thing in the dream. Coming out of Hitler bookstore there are babies all over the floor. (Last night before bed I was looking a pictures of my folks before I was born and also lots of baby pictures of me, I thought last night it looked like squalor and a hell of a lot of hard work.)
1:4 Dreamt last night I was trying to escape being brainwashed by the government and I was trying wake people up that the government is trying to brainwash you. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you see it? There were brick barracks everywhere. Didn’t feel like we were in a concentration camp just a brick bunker type place.
1:8 Living in a barrack with a bunch of other women and I was in a really abusive relationship and I remember what the guy looked like. The women were trying to get me to leave him, they were coming up with a plan to get me to leave safely. They were all doing all sorts of things to get him to leave temporarily so we could talk. They knocked him out, for some reason they used oil, like car petroleum oil. They hit him with a frying pan. It was a whole dream about trying to get out of an abusive relationship.
5:8 Quote from a holocaust writer “you have to have aggression bred in your bones to find ways around or under or thru it” Ellen Feldman” Thinking about ways that we are oppressed/ suppressed; about how the wiring of our nervous systems for survival lead us into shut down mode VS evolution mode. The book that this quote is take from is about post WWII 1950’s and how 3 families coped with post trauma, played by the rules, broke free or not. I feel fear, feels like a bubble rising, wanting to be fee of tyranny and oppression. I am feeling trapped and desperate. I feel jolts of electrical energy / adrenaline fear surges. I am reading about eco-psychology and the collapse of the modern world and purification and restoration of the sacred and the exiled indigenous earth energies.
1:12 The girls I babysit there was a storm wind, raining, pouring and sky was red and red embers hitting the house they were spraying poison chemical warfare at house and then trying to protect the kids and he sky turned red and they started dropping bombs. I don’t’ remember how it ended. I just remember running. In the dream the father said “just because something looks fixed doesn’t mean it is. Its only appearance.”
Boats/ Water
1:C2 Donnie might do his captain’s license. He’s a lobsterman now.
5:C2 Titanic in 3D is unbelievable
6:C2 I had a little kid that was afraid of the Titanic, but he cannot keep away from it.
5:C2 Ships going down is that the typhoid miasm??
6:C2 Thinking about what the captain did
5:C2 The captain screwed up. They were going too fast and could not miss the iceberg.
6:C2 8 people died in the making of the Titanic. One guy got smashed.
5:2 Confusing dream of rushing for the boat and water gushing through the hull. Feeling of agitated energy in solar plexus.
6:2 Dream-In another part we are hurrying through a downtown walkway system perhaps over water. Someone is out of control behind us and we are able to be safe and stay out of their way.
1:3 Jumped in the ocean, that was bizarre, don’t know if I would have normally done that or not.
2:5 Water broke down on the island had to go back and forth on the boat all day.
5:6 Sense of Urgency: Dreaming of crashing plane, trying to get to a boat. Dream: My daughter and I and a plane coming straight down bam. Trying to get away, I knew it was going to crash and explode- in narrow alleys, trying to get to boat to go home.
6:6 Dream- I am looking out my window and right there I see a boat that is already sinking and it capsizes and sinks quickly and 20-30 people bob to the surface like they’ve been spilled out. I called to my husband to quick get the cell phone and call 911. We are following the river down stream, a little ways down a fence juts out into river and 3-5 peole have gotten on a pallet raft and have rescued themselves. Just past that it’s very fast moving current to open ocean. The path by river is uneven dark stones, a guy asks me if I want to buy or if I have an ounce of pot I assume and I sneer at him incredulously (my vocabulary is noticeably improved on this remedy.) My husband and I are on our way to a house we’ve stayed at before but don’t have directions to. We “will” ourselves there somehow. When we get there there’s an old Native American healer man with bad teeth, maybe turquoise tooth on bottom or some artificial tool implant. He comes over to me and take my L wrist almost feeling up the radial side 6 inches for a pulse but not quite taking it and says “yes, you are a leader.” Later back by the path by the river, people are aware of the sinking ship. There’s the feeling of a calamity.
1:9 Interesting Dreams. Two women trying to change their lives, or changes their path and as soon as things started working for them there would be this huge earthquake and this huge wave would come and wash all of their progress away.
2:10 At 11:30am got a call saying a boat was sinking and needed to be bailed out. Bailed it out at 1pm.
5:20 Dream: of boat, looking for beer. Looking for food for all the kids, luxury boat floats by, wonder what it would be like to just float. Boat disappears, see flames, it reappears and is smoldering pile of ashes and debris.
Grey
1:C1 Contrast of yellow against grey.
6:1 I want to wear grey, love my grey nail polish.
6:1 Admiring grey clothes on others.
6:5 Wearing grey outfit, very loose, flowy, like a toga, I feel like I’m channeling a Greek Goddess.
4:00
3:C2 It’s early for me to want to be outside. Usually I can wait till 4 PM. (it is 3:15).
3:1 Starting around 4ish (the thoughts).
6:4 Woke in night at 4:47am from a pain in R side of front of throat cartilaginous ring at the side of it. Pain was sever and in a very small spot. I can’t describe the pain. It was so small a spot to feel squeezed but it wasn’t stabbing pain either. Right after throat pain happened had pain a L medial malleolus which came on suddenly and left in a few seconds.
6:5 Pain momentarily in R anterior throat at 4:45pm.
2:6 Woke at 4am
6:6 Woke from dream- woke early at 4:30am and went back to bed. (an old sx for me)
1:7 4pm hits and I just spiral downhill into depression and it just sucks.
2:7 Woke at 4:30am
1:10 4pm is still really hard, things shift at that time.
2:10 Woke at 4am
1:12 Still going on with pattern of good morning then around 4 and get nasty and either really depressed or angry or anxious. It’s been like that for a week or so.
1:12 around 4:30 I got extremely angry with the kids. This is unusual for me.
Generalities
1:C1 Besides bring really hot I am really comfortable.
2:C2 Time is going very quickly.
1:1 Woke up so thirsty I thought I was going to die. Chugged a whole bottle of water. Very unusual for me.
1:3 I was unusually tired last night. Falling asleep behind the wheel. I never get like that. I can usually stay up so late without a problem. I was wiped out today, I wanted to take a nap all day. Not usually that tired.
4:1 Tired
4:3 Tired
4:4 Tired and achy.
4:5 Tired and achy.
4:6 Tired.
4:7 Tired. Slept better.
4:8 Able to get out.
4:11 Very tired. Elevated blood sugar. High blood pressure.
4:13 Tired at night.
Head
6:C1 Rush of adrenaline in stomach, followed by quick congestion in forehead.
6:C1 Upward energy, open top of head.
6:C1 Pain in posterior superior parietal lobe on right.
6:C2 L mid-side of parietal headache.
6:C3 Thick head feeling.
1:1 Light frontal headache.
2:1 Itch spots like bug on skin.
1:2 Same frontal headache today again.
4:2: Itchy
1:3 Had that head ache all day again.
4:3: Very itchy last night especially the scalp. Headache.
4:4: Headache.
4:5: Headache.
4:6: “Terrible” headache.
4:7: “Bad” headache.
6:7 Tingling sensation in forehead 5pm.
4:8: Headache.
2:11 Fore head itchy due to frustration.
4:11 Still has headache.
2:12 Forehead itchy from frustration/ Irritation.
2:13 Itches forehead.
Eyes
1:C1 Redness under eyes.
1:C2 Glassy eyes. Tight-lipped. Head back. Lying back.
1:C2 Contracted pupils.
2:5 Dirt in eyes feeling.
4:6: Painful to move eyes side to side
4:7: Painful to move eyes side to side
6:5 Eye strain at 4pm-7pm- after computer use.
2:10 Eyes feel like dirt in them in the morning, very itchy fore head.
6:11 Over last few days noticing I’m closing my L eye as I write/focus on something. (this has persisted for months after the proving)
6:13 As I write I close my L eye, it just feels good to do it.
Ears
4:8: On and off ear pain.
Nose
6:TE Smelling smoke, incense/sage in bed reading.
4:C1 My nose is a little runny. My nose is itchy. My nose is itchy and runny.
4:C2 Rubbing nose. I can smell them. (tiger lilies) I don’t have allergies. Wiping nose with tissue.
4:1: Itchy
6:2 Smell hot computer chemical smell while in homeopathy class at 9:45am, a little nauseous, pain in R temple.
6:4 Woke with beginning of a herpetic ulcer in my nose as usual on the L side, weird because I slept enough (but over-exercised yesterday.)
6:4 Cold sore on nose painful, irritating.
6:5 Nose is really hurting, very large sore, and more under ali than usually where it is in the floor of the nostril.
6:9 Cold sore deep red, scab, cracking, sort of shaped like a W, not usually so big or shaped like this, on L side of nose inside nostril.
6:9 Eruption on L side on top of nostril
6:10 Eruptions on side of top of L nostril painful feels like herpes, but could just be a pimple.
6:10 Old pimple between eyebrows painful to touch oddly it’s been there for weeks.
6:12 Nose eruptions symmetrically on R after L side.
Face
1:C1 Reticence on face, uncertainty, Smiling, Subtle flushing of cheeks
1:C1 I’m hot all of a sudden. Bright red flushing on face.
1:C2 Head down, eyes closed. Bright red lips.
2:C2 Itchy burning nose. Face itchy near mouth. Head itches left side. Metal taste in mouth on tip of tongue. Right corner eye itchy. Inside ears itchy.
1:C3 My nose itches. Face flushed.
2:C3 Itchy nose.
1:6 My nose burns, I can hardly hear out of my ears, they feel all stuffy. From the cold coming on.
Mouth
4:1 Numbness
Teeth
6:9 Tooth sensitive to hot, on upper back R molars with corn.
6:10 Teeth sensitive on upper R back molar on lateral side of tooth like they are exposed to air.
Throat
4:1: Numbness/thick feeling in the back of throat (like the feeling you get from sucking on Sucrets lozenges).
6:TE On my run in the evening, burning in throat like too much hot cigarette smoke (I’m not a smoker anymore).
6:1 Food (brownie) when down wrong pipe, later that evening I got hoarse.
6:1 Throat as if I have been screaming, scalded feeling almost.
4:2: Clearing throat.
6:2 Sore throat > warm drinks last night and > lying on R side.
4:3: Sore throat
6:4 Woke in night at 4:47am from a pain in R side of front of throat cartilaginous ring at the side of it. Pain was sever and in a very small spot. I can’t describe the pain. It was so small a spot to feel squeezed but it wasn’t stabbing pain either. Right after throat pain happened had pain a L medial malleolus which came on suddenly and left in a few seconds.
6:5 Pain momentarily in R anterior throat at 4:45pm.
Stomach
1:C1 Hungry.
2:C1 Extremely hungry
3:C1 Nodded she had a feeling in the stomach (of nervousness).
6:TE Heartburn, empty stomach feeling.
2:1 Not hungry at all even after I did lots of work.
1:3 Hot flash and really bad nausea around noon.
2:4 Pain feels like IBS
2:5 Pain for IBS, cramping, like I drank too much milk.
4:5: Nausea. Bloated belly
2:7 Woke at 3 am from painful feeling in stomach under ribs to above the pubic, bones burn!
1:11 I had nausea today, that sucked, severe nausea.
2:12 Stomach ache
Abdomen/Rectum/Stool
2:4 Pain and diarrhea. Frequent.
2:5 Loose stools, frequent, pain.
2:6 Pain, cramping, diarrhea, frequent.
2:7 Thinking it the cream in my coffee that is causing the IBS.
2:10 Sharp burn pain, stool loose, and frequent, filling toilet with small soft bowel at least three times in the am.
1:11 I’ve had IBS symptoms since the I took the remedy.
2:11 Worse in morning, frequent, bowel floats, small and plentiful.
1:12 Having IBS 5-6 days. Diarrhea. Never had an episode like that before.
2:12 Horrible all day.
2:13 IBS continues
2:14 IBS continues
Urinary
4:7: Diagnosed with urinary tract infection with no symptoms
Female
6:1 Feeling of string drawn up beside clitoris - not new.
6:1 Vaginal/labial soreness when sitting as if a wire or string was on left side of between labial majora/minora.
6:1 Painful to sit, mild burning in clitoris. (not like previous Platina sx).
6:2 Sensation of a wedgy on L side, throughout the day.
6:2 Mild vaginal itching not inside but over the pubis.
6:3 Itchy at pubis noticed thick creamy vaginal discharge, smells a bit like ammonia (never had this before.)
6:4 Mild itching at pubis on waking, no discharge or odor.
6:5 Menses- dark stringy fine clots at beginning.
Respiratory
6:C1 Need deep breathe.
6:C1 Upward energy, open top of head, breathless need to inspire.
4:C2 Coughing.
4:7 Dry cough due to walking pneumonia.
3:9 Kind of a nasty sickness, a nasty respiratory thing.
4:13 Occasional cough.
Chest
6:C1 Burning in the right side of the heart.
6:C1 Warmth around heart.
6:C1 Trembling at heart.
6:TE During run, stitch in right side of ribs 2 inches lateral to xyphoid process and in back at about T11.
6:3 Run in evening same stitch in R ribs, below breast and medially.
1:7 I can feel the cold in my chest, it’s moving into my chest now. Rough, raw.
3:9 Been annoyingly sick. Unusual to get sick with what my kids have. But this was a strong one. Daughter had a croupy cough. There was no time modality. Clear, watery nose stuff. Sick. Stuffed up a long time. May have had a low-grade fever. Cough turned into a wet cough. I got it and the start was like a bad splinter in throat. Felt a sore throat, not ear to ear but a big thing. I took Hepar Sulph four times. It has helped each time. Kind of a nasty sickness, a nasty respiratory thing.
3:12 Just finally at the end of the respiratory thing.
Back
6:C1 Feeling like sitting up straight and stretching up, like a bird spreading it’s wings.
1:2 I just had the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. It’s sharp, it radiates. Started at my bra strap, and the center, really sharp and pushed forward into my ribs. It’s not spine or muscle related. Brought me to my knees. It was really extreme for 2-3 minutes, caught me way off guard. It’s lessening now, but still really painful.
6:2 Sleeping woke at 2:00-2:30am soreness (pain at midback thoracolumbar or a little higher).
1:3 Still have the pain in my back, just really dull in the background.
6:6 Aching in upper back- R rhomboids after emotional stress, yesterday after polishing silver last night feels like I overworked it, it feels it could spasm.
1:14 Back pain is so much worse.
Extremities
1:C1 I am sweating, my hands are sweating. I am repulsed to hold onto this thing [pestle] I’m so sweaty.
6:C1 Finger tips are cold.
6:C1 Feeling my own pulse.
6:C1 My fingers are cold.
6:C3 Holding myself tightly.
6:3 L shoulder make a click sound and suddenly seemed to increase the range of motion moving arm up and back over head while taking towel off.
6:3 Playing scrabble my hands look dainty, beautiful, and wonderfully feminine.
2:10 Hands hurt, arthritis.
6:10 I feel strong in my legs when I stand up from crouching.
Fever
4:4: Sick with fever, “really bad” chills, headache, body aches all over body, couldn’t get comfortable, did not go to work, just want to lay on couch
4:5: Sick with chills, bone aches, and fever 101-102 degrees even after taking Tylenol and Advil. 2 doses of Eupatorium taken 1 hour apart with no improvement. No respiratory cold symptoms.
4:7 Fever went up to 104 degrees. Felt really hot. Started a cough. Went to ER and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Taking two antibiotics.
4:8: Fever is going down.
Skin
4:C3 Itchy
4:1 Rash under both arms
4:2 Felt hot under breast bone. Felt better with cool on it. Red raised rash under right arm pit.
2:13 Full body itch! Everywhere!
2:14 Itch, itch, itch! All over
